18 Nov 2020
Thirty days does not feel so great. Oh yes! I am proud, for sure. But this morning I feel slippery as a wet fish floppin'. This s--t is hard, ya'll. You know it! I do not even know this person who is showing up in my psyche every morning. It's mood swing city over here. Good thing there are no children or significant others in my life. It would not be good for them to have to witness or experience this mildly nutty gal.
Today's Bitch List:
I don't sleep well at all.
I'm eating so much crappy food.
My teeth are rotting from all the candy.
I have gained 5 pounds. Or 7.
I am often angry.
I often want to curl into a ball and sob.
I do not know who I am without being a smoker who wastes her time all day smoking.
I am scared.
I am anxious.
I feel lost.
I haven't been at all cocky. I have been leery, for sure. And vigilant. But I had an opportunity to take a vacation and so I did. It was fabulous and restorative. And I had two or three strong cravings that passed near-instantly. Now I have been "back to the grind" for just over a week. And I do not even know what "the grind" is anymore, ya'll. I'm 100% sure many of you know what I am talking about, too. This stupid virus has me all befuddled, anxious, scared, and sometimes fatalistic (which is the worst one, and lends itself to "F---- it, I should just smoke. The world is coming to an end anyway. Who cares?" OMG! But NOOOOOOOO! Please get away, terrible thought! Go away, you monster! Get thee back!
...and who am I? And what is happening?!!!!!??
So after I woke up all messed in the head yet again, I threw on my robe and walked Happy (my dear dog) a quick little coupla' steps. Then rushed to get my laptop open so I could come be with ya'll. It feels like an emergency. So I am maybe gonna blog here until it passes. Maybe.
Today's Positives List:
I haven't smoked in 30 days.
I have a lovely, dear dog.
My health is okay as far as I know.
I am not in physical pain.
I have stopped coughing, pretty much.
Everything tastes good!
I am proud of not smoking.
I am coming to love my self.
I have an awesome support group on Ex.
I am not alone.
I am intelligent.
I am fun.
I am funny.
My house smells good.
I am no longer closeted and hiding as a smoker.
I become more free by the hour.
I am gaining personal strength.
I have power.
Cigarettes do not control my life.
I take good care of myself.
I do not smoke.
There! Better already!
***Asking a favor: Those who are in the 30 days or less club, please post. I'd like to know who is with me and new in here.***
***Long smober folks: Can you tell me if you remember 30 days? Did you happen to blog on here on your 30 days? (I'm going to look.) ***
Hugs all around. I appreciate you, one and all.
Thank You For Not Smoking!
redpepper
