Okay. So my last cig was around 2AM on the Monday the 19th. I guess I gave myself a free day. I'm not going back and changing anything. It feels too risky. But here and now, I am saying I am on day 4, by golly.
It's 11:36AM. My dog begs for a walk. That's forthcoming. I had to get on here first to set my day. Still need to listen to my ThinkUp affirmations. It's not easy but truly helps me! And I hope to take a shower and remember again how nice it is to have clean smelling hair. Yay!
Yesterday I bought a paint set, some brushes, and some card stock paper--all at Tuesday Morning for relatively cheap, I guess. I've not bought this kind of thing in ages, or ever. I guess I am gonna hope I can attempt to paint something. Keep hands busy and all that...
What this all means is I am trying hard to switch it all up. I crave when I do anything that's the same: walk the dog, then smoke. Do the dishes then smoke. Go check on Mom then smoke. Take a shower --three before, three after, just to get out of the door, if I am even leaving the house at all! Make the bed, smoke. Call a friend: smoke. Go to grocery then smoke. OH HELLZ BELLZ. It goes on...ya'll know. Ya'll KNOW.
So I am trying to do it all differently. And I don't know what is gonna come out of this.
And the necessity of work is the most frightful of all. I have worked alone online for years and years and years. And guess what? I smoked the whole entire time. Now here I sit on laptop--not at my desk--and I'm terrified of sitting down to work. But work I must. Somehow I will muster some strength. Because of ya'll. Because of Ex. Because here is where I have a place to express this pain,. And that's what it feels like: genuine pain (and terror).
Daylight/time half over. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I'm in intensive care.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for being Exes. Thank You For Not Smoking.
PS: My house is filled with gnats.
RP
