ready2win

I AM ALIVE

Blog Post created by ready2win on May 21, 2017

OK I am just getting started again quitting smoking, I had quit back in 2004. I started smoking again because I was so pissed off and depressed from being abused, things became out of control where I was living, I was working really hard as a new college student at 50 years old. I was getting great grades, then the bed bugs became visible to my teachers and classmates, as they climbed out of my clothing and book bag ( I mean they were crawling right out of my shirt collar, across my clothing while I was talking to people like administrators, councilors, students, etc, they were dropping off of me in the lunch room, and I was being questions about it.) . I was so disgusted and embarrassed, I felt sick from it all of the time. But it was were I lived, and I had no control over it at all. My living situation became so unbearable, (people around me were actually dying from the abuse, one young guy hung himself), We could not move either because we couldn't afford it or in the guys cases they were not allowed to move. I finally got out of that place but continued to struggle with the memories, it was actually horrible. So I continued to smoke. I tried to quit on my own, and tried to figure out how I could quit on my own, but the memories still haunt me to this moment........But I want to quit smoking, I have to quit and can't stand smoking any more.......So this is why I started smoking again, my mind used it as a way to demonstrate some control over my body, this is the largest factor for my smoking. Our rooms, our beds, our clothing, our food, our showers, toilets, chairs, do you understand every GD thing every GD space, and every GD thing was INFESTED. WE WERE INFESTED!

(one of the biggest things I was dealing with was that the building I was living in, was and still is the largest infestation of bed bugs, roaches and roof rats, gnats and fly's etc completely infesting and attacking all of the occupants. The bed bugs would openly crawl up the walls, all of em, and across the ceiling in plain view, and wait until you'd lie down to sleep, sooner or later you do have to sleep in that hell hole, and then they would drop on your body and bite the f'in hell out of ya, so when you'd wake up your bitten all over, swollen and bleeding, your eye sight would be blurry, skin burning and crawling, and of course endless diarrhea, sometimes vomiting, shortness of breath, anxiety, alone, and seriously f'ed with........and more. only to be described as and called as a hater, an instigator, a liar, insulted, put down, belittled, a complainer, a troublemaker, and so on..........................................................................................and endless list of the most.....ok I stop there I think you get the point..............so I started smoking again, TO SAVE MY SANITY! AND NOT COMMIT THE MOST COLD BLOODED MURDER IN ALL OF THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY! THE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER BITE TO THE CENTER OF BY BACK IS WAS THE LAST STRAW, I tried to get us some help called Licence and Inspections government assistance from City Hall, the day they showed up I was evicted immediately! )  

Now I need help, a lot of help and a lot of prayers, good healthy help and good healthy prayers and I will call on my doctor Monday morning and ask her for some help as well, I have to quit smoking right now.  I have one Black and Mild Vanilla or wine left, and a couple of stubs, bits really, and I do not want more (period). The temperature is perfect hot and sticky (I hate smoking and stinking of smoke) that makes it ohhhh sooo much easier, I have been smoking these every day and night since MY FEELING of be utterly ABUSED AS HELL began in 2015. 

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