I smoked my last cigarette before i went to bed last night, so that i could have 8 hours of not smoking under my belt when i woke up this morning. when i got up I brushed my teeth, washed my face, started my coffee, and put my patch on. I felt so proud of myself. Ive been a smoker for 10 years, and these last 6 months are the first time that ive felt ashamed and had the need to hide my habit from people that i didn't know. No particular reason why i felt that way, i just did. My husband is a smoker too, and he's been ready to quit, but said he couldn't do it without me. this stressed me out. it was like he was putting his addiction and his need for smoking on me. what made me pick today(because ive had my patches for awhile in the anticipation of the day that i decided to quit) was that we had a family camping trip this past weekend. we hiked for 4 miles, and im not the in the greatest shape in the world. I am overweight. However, this hike was an easy one. Level, with no steep inclines, and we were going at a leisurely pace. I got extremely out of breathe. I felt awful. I coughed and wheezed the whole time. I couldn't enjoy my kids, my husband, and freaking nature because all i thought was if i just stop and have a cigarette i would feel better. Then these people were hiking behind us. they were a quarter a mile back, and i thought i can't smoke. my smoking could make their experience with this hike not pleasant. Because when your in nature, you want to smell, look, and listen to all the things around you, and when you pass a smoker on a hike that takes away from it. Im TIRED of being ashamed of a habit that i can stop. Im TIRED of coughing. Im TIRED of feeling like shit because all i can think about it planning my activities around my smoking habit. Today isn't special. Today nothing important is going to happen. Today is going to be like any other day that Ive had. Today, however, is the day that i decide to quit. Today is the first day in ten years that I really put effort into quitting. This is the 4th time that Ive tried to quit in ten years, and today is the day that it sticks. Ive listed my triggers, Ive made a plan to motivate myself through them. This is one of those motivations. Im drinking my coffee as i type this. I want to cry, I want to yell, and i don't know how to feel. I hope by making this part of my routine in the morning as i drink my coffee that this helps with my triggers. i want to talk to people who feel like i do. who have experienced the same things as me. who won't belittle my feelings or stress me out. I hope that this community of EX smokers can help me because i didn't do this with all the previous times that i quit. i want to be different, and i CHOSE to be different.
