I was doing so great. ugh. Man. No. I didn't relapse. But I'm sitting smack in a big old fat craving in the environment of the old way. I don't have sessions until later this afternoon. It's rainy and chilly. And the worst trigger, I'm hungover. I went to a concert last night and had a few glasses of wine- it wasn't even crazy- I am just so darn sensitive to it! argh. I feel like crap today. And my brain is trying to tell me that quitting wasn't that big of a deal. I can just have a few and relax and get that relief and dopamine fix today and then start over and maybe it won't be so bad.
ahhhHH!H!H!HHH! Shamefully I have to say the only thing keeping me from going to the store is my ginormous fear of those early withdrawal symptoms and all of that time I wasted not being able to accomplish anything in those first 3 weeks. Plus I gained 5+ pounds. I am a wimp monster and literally that is the only thing that is keeping me from smoking today. All of the other real reasons about how stupid and dangerous it is etc etc are not holding up bc that nicotine memory voice with all of its excuses is so much stronger right now. "I was still healthy" "I got plenty of work done" "It helped me focus" " " just a quick reset and then I'm motivated to get my day on" ahhhhh. even the usual motivating factor of seeing how far I've come (I think I'm on my 7th week!) isn't having it's usual charm. but the fact that I'm not counting days anymore I can't ignore. that's powerful. smoking would take me back to the beginning and that sucked. worse than this. that's what I have to remember.
I'm not going to do it. but it just freaking sucks. I wish I could just pop some little pill to just feel better today. blegh. but. I am going to remember, that the beginning sucked so much worse than this. and that is all. and tomorrow will be a better, sunnier, and healthier day. I will not have wasted all of that hard work on one measly little hangover that won't even be a problem tomorrow. by smoking i'd be creating a new problem. by making it through the day i will have the hangover problem over, and no new bad problem to deal with. tomorrow will feel good. ok. back to chugging coconut water :-)>
