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2 Roads

o2run
Member
0 15 70

On the advice of the wonderful people here, who thankfully I found today, I am going to write. 

I have been reading, but I caught the nicotine monster voice in my head trying to steer me to posts about relapse, slipping up, with the intention of discovering that perhaps a slip up really isn't that bad. "So, what if I start over tomorrow? Does it really mean that I go back to how it felt on Day 1? Maybe it won't be that bad actually..." I have been using the fear tactic on myself to survive this much so far. (Meaning, there is no way I want to relive week 1!!!) I'm almost half way through Week 4. Yes, I read Allen's book. But I'm currently annoyed with him. And yes, I know it's not his fault, and I'm not rationally annoyed with him, I am just so disappointed I don't feel better. My cravings don't come in waves or 3 minute moments, it just sits there as a feeling in the back of my throat/ chest. The gnawing is constant and doesn't go away. I have just been trying to let it be okay that it's there (OK doing a bad job at that) (but in the sense I understand what it is) and distract myself with other things. It's been helpful to say, see, I would be wasting this time if I was sitting outside right now! Look at how meaningful my day can be. But then I also hear that voice say, "actually, you are doing a lot of wasting time being obsessed with this feeling. If you just had a cigarette you could have the relief, then get back to work, and it would save time." 

So here I am "wasting time" writing on this, trying to keep myself just a little longer from giving in, and hoping for just a little bit of relief. I am tired, I want to feel better. I just can't believe how bad this got me. I have no idea how people have survived this that literally have been smoking for 20 years. I feel like such a wimp. I was only smoking for 3 years, and only 2 of them daily. I never even got up to a pack a day. It impresses me the discipline the people on here have. I just want a break, one day break, and then pick it back up. There is part of me that is hoping someone will say starting over with just a short slip isn't as bad as the original week one. I know folks, I know who that is talking and it's not me. But I have to at least acknowledge that this is happening in my head. It's turning me into a mopey whiny I want a miracle without working for it child, which in itself is a trigger for me. 

I just want some dagg on relief. I am good at playing psychology games on myself, shoot I teach people how to do it. But I just want a break. I want to physically feel relief in this moment. And I know that what Allen and everyone says is true- it's the cigarettes themselves that created this need in the first place. 

I will feel again the state of being that just 4 years ago I had right? To just be in my own body and feel whatever without feeling this? If only there was a way to just have even an hour of it. (That didn't require me to be running. So far this is the only thing that drowns out that gnawing feeling). 

Gosh I feel like such a whiny mop bucket. Gross. Ugh. The fight with the self- critic ensues- "stop feeling sorry for yourself!". 

Oh. 2 roads. The above photo was taken on a hike of one of my favorite spots. I was blissfully ignorant of cigarettes on that day. but the full photo shows the trail split into 2 roads. Every moment is a choice. At least for this exact moment I choose to stay on the same road I chose 25 days ago. 

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About the Author
Idealist. Nature lover. My dog is my bf. Seen & been through some sad hard things but believe in looking for the reasons so we can feel empowered instead. I've always been the "good kid" and protector of others, and it took some hard life situations to show me that I'm important too. I started smoking as a rebellious "why can't I do something bad that feels good too?" and it became my secret vice. But it started taking my life away from me, and I kept making excuses for it. I used to run - a LOT- not bc I'm fast or for any kind of accolade- but bc of how GOOD it feels. To feel so alive- to feel so powerful in the moment- (I mostly like to run on trails in nature). And smoking began to take this away. My profile picture is a reminder for me. I took that last year when I first tried to quit- I was so excited about my new shoes- I had just left an unhealthy relationship and was going to return to being me. Those shoes ended up staying mostly in the closet. I chose smoking over the thing that ACTUALLY brings me real dopamine, real insight, real experience. No matter how much I thought at the time by allowing myself to smoke I was giving myself permission to not be perfect, I was really giving myself permission to waste my life. There is so much we cannot control in this life and world. But we can control how we treat our bodies. And it feels SO good to actually FEEL good!