2 Roads

Blog Post created by o2run on Mar 8, 2017

On the advice of the wonderful people here, who thankfully I found today, I am going to write. 


I have been reading, but I caught the nicotine monster voice in my head trying to steer me to posts about relapse, slipping up, with the intention of discovering that perhaps a slip up really isn't that bad. "So, what if I start over tomorrow? Does it really mean that I go back to how it felt on Day 1? Maybe it won't be that bad actually..." I have been using the fear tactic on myself to survive this much so far. (Meaning, there is no way I want to relive week 1!!!) I'm almost half way through Week 4. Yes, I read Allen's book. But I'm currently annoyed with him. And yes, I know it's not his fault, and I'm not rationally annoyed with him, I am just so disappointed I don't feel better. My cravings don't come in waves or 3 minute moments, it just sits there as a feeling in the back of my throat/ chest. The gnawing is constant and doesn't go away. I have just been trying to let it be okay that it's there (OK doing a bad job at that) (but in the sense I understand what it is) and distract myself with other things. It's been helpful to say, see, I would be wasting this time if I was sitting outside right now! Look at how meaningful my day can be. But then I also hear that voice say, "actually, you are doing a lot of wasting time being obsessed with this feeling. If you just had a cigarette you could have the relief, then get back to work, and it would save time." 


So here I am "wasting time" writing on this, trying to keep myself just a little longer from giving in, and hoping for just a little bit of relief. I am tired, I want to feel better. I just can't believe how bad this got me. I have no idea how people have survived this that literally have been smoking for 20 years. I feel like such a wimp. I was only smoking for 3 years, and only 2 of them daily. I never even got up to a pack a day. It impresses me the discipline the people on here have. I just want a break, one day break, and then pick it back up. There is part of me that is hoping someone will say starting over with just a short slip isn't as bad as the original week one. I know folks, I know who that is talking and it's not me. But I have to at least acknowledge that this is happening in my head. It's turning me into a mopey whiny I want a miracle without working for it child, which in itself is a trigger for me. 


I just want some dagg on relief. I am good at playing psychology games on myself, shoot I teach people how to do it. But I just want a break. I want to physically feel relief in this moment. And I know that what Allen and everyone says is true- it's the cigarettes themselves that created this need in the first place. 


I will feel again the state of being that just 4 years ago I had right? To just be in my own body and feel whatever without feeling this? If only there was a way to just have even an hour of it. (That didn't require me to be running. So far this is the only thing that drowns out that gnawing feeling). 


Gosh I feel like such a whiny mop bucket. Gross. Ugh. The fight with the self- critic ensues- "stop feeling sorry for yourself!". 


Oh. 2 roads. The above photo was taken on a hike of one of my favorite spots. I was blissfully ignorant of cigarettes on that day. but the full photo shows the trail split into 2 roads. Every moment is a choice. At least for this exact moment I choose to stay on the same road I chose 25 days ago.