Smoke dreams and personal history

Blog Post created by noetoez on Aug 19, 2020

My dreams are usually weird and have always been. I have never had the "typical" dreams of flying, or going to give a presentation only to realize you didn't put on pants that morning. No, my dreams are always more along the lines of... I am in an elevator full of yellow rabbits. Even though they look like rabbits, I know they are human babies that are being sold on the black market. Some of the rabbits have mold on them. Ladies are crying as they put their rabbits into the elevator. A rabbit bites me, and I wake up. That's one I remember because I wrote it down. 


Last night I had a weird dream. I did not write it down right away, so I forgot most of it already. What I do remember is that I had dyed my hair brown, and I was sitting in the bathroom of an apartment I moved out of 10 years ago. I was staring at myself in the mirror, dye still in my hair, smoking. When I woke up, my throat hurt. I suspect post nasal drip, but it felt like my throat would on days when I smoked more than usual. Tripped me out a little.


When I started smoking, I did live in that apartment. I was married to my previous husband, and trapped in a domestic violence situation. He smoked like a chimney, when I started I would sneak his cigarettes in that bathroom to help myself feel better and deal with the stress. He smoked in the bathroom, so cigarette was not an alien smell in there. At the time, I didn't know what to do. I was lost. Smoking made me feel better, even if it was only for 5 minutes.


Looking back, I wish I never had started. My life has changed so much over the last 10 years. I got divorced in 2013, left with nothing but a restraining order and what I could fit in a tote bag while my then husband was sleeping. I started seeing the man who would later become my now husband that same year. I found myself, changed jobs, found a real career path, bought a house, changed my life. But through it all, I smoked. The one part of my past that I just couldn't shake. I'd quit for a while, something would happen, backwards I would slide. Every time I was that sad, scared girl, hiding in the bathroom all over again. Lost on what to do, regardless of what else in my life had changed.


I did not intend for this blog to get so dark and sad. Came to tell a story about a dream. Think I figured out the meaning of the smoking part, not sure why dream me dyed her hair though.