noetoez

Not alone and not crazy

Blog Post created by noetoez on Jul 27, 2020

I've been roller coastering the past few days. Most of the time, I feel pretty ok. But when I feel "not ok" I feel really "not ok." But it passes.

 

My last cigarette was after work/before dinner on July 10th. That feels like a million years ago, which makes me wonder why I still feel this way. How much longer is this supposed to last? What is wrong with me? Am I mistaken, is this actually a heart attack? Stroke? Panic attack? Death? COVID? Spiraling dark tornado I will never escape from? Should I punch my husband in the throat for eating my chips? If I had just one cigarette, JUST ONE, would I feel better? NO. No to all the things. 

 

It feels like a million years ago, but it wasn't. My quit is still new. My brain has to adjust and it has not even been a month. Logically, I know this. But I have to remind myself. I have always known that cigarettes have never made me feel better. Not really, and not long term. But it is HARD. I knew it would be. I have quit and relapsed more times than I would care to count. Just have to keep walking it out, one foot in front of the other. Thankfully, it is not as hard as it was the first week. Hoping this week will be easier than last week and so on.

 

I am so grateful for this site. So many things that I have been feeling, it isn't just me. I see other people posting, and I feel so much better. You feel the tightness that comes and goes too? You feel moody or anxious too? You feel tired and unproductive too? You too, did not just magically get over feeling like trash after it was technically out of your system? Oh thank heavens. It's not just me. (I don't know who needs to hear this, but it isn't just you either.) 

 

The feelings will pass. Already, those moments get farther and farther apart. They are still there, but that's ok. I have to remind myself, that's ok. Remind myself, this is a process, drink more water, go for a walk, etc. Which reminds me I should have some water now... actually...

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