mpnaegle

Edgy, upset and out of sorts

Blog Post created by mpnaegle on May 21, 2019

I wish I could report otherwise tonight, but it hasn’t been an easy day.  I thought it would get better once i left work and came home but everything hurts.  I’m depressed, out of sorts, edgy and tired. And I keep thinking if I just have one cigarette maybe it will get better.  But I know it won’t.  I won’t go back.  But it’s just been a very very challenging and hard day.  

 

I just feel terribly empty and alone tonight.  I feel like now that I’m not smoking I have to face what I was pushing down with smoking for so long, Head on.  Sadness, loneliness.  Anger.  All of these horrible feelings that I stifled when my partner died 5 years ago and I started smoking again.  There’s nothing  left to buffer these feelings any more.  They’re right there, sharp, clear and in my face.  And I just have to let them run their course, process them and get them out of my system.  Like intertwined threads that criss-cross through my heart.  I have to pull each of them apart and get them out of me.  I want to scream, I want to cry.  I want them gone.  And today just punctuated exactly what has been under the surface for so long.  I tried to silence them, tried to suffocate them with smoke.  But there they are, festering, and I need them gone.

 

time to take a hot shower, go to sleep and get right again.

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