I wish I could report otherwise tonight, but it hasn’t been an easy day. I thought it would get better once i left work and came home but everything hurts. I’m depressed, out of sorts, edgy and tired. And I keep thinking if I just have one cigarette maybe it will get better. But I know it won’t. I won’t go back. But it’s just been a very very challenging and hard day.
I just feel terribly empty and alone tonight. I feel like now that I’m not smoking I have to face what I was pushing down with smoking for so long, Head on. Sadness, loneliness. Anger. All of these horrible feelings that I stifled when my partner died 5 years ago and I started smoking again. There’s nothing left to buffer these feelings any more. They’re right there, sharp, clear and in my face. And I just have to let them run their course, process them and get them out of my system. Like intertwined threads that criss-cross through my heart. I have to pull each of them apart and get them out of me. I want to scream, I want to cry. I want them gone. And today just punctuated exactly what has been under the surface for so long. I tried to silence them, tried to suffocate them with smoke. But there they are, festering, and I need them gone.
time to take a hot shower, go to sleep and get right again.