What is Wrong with Me?!

Blog Post created by missellen on Apr 4, 2018

Dr. Hays wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago (which, I apparently don't know how to link to), called "Step free of shame and stigma".  In a nutshell it described how one shouldn't beat themselves up too badly if they slip. One quote he used in the first paragraph or so was, "What's wrong with me".   


I have been asking myself that very question for the last three days.  I've been asking and asking and have failed to come up with a suitable answer.  The short answer is quite simply, I don't know. 


If you haven't figured it out yet (and I'm sure you have), I smoked. In fact, I've been closet smoking the last three days.  


My husband made me a token to celebrate my two weeks (Sunday), which was awesome!  I gave it back to him this morning--I couldn't keep it, since I started smoking again on Monday.  


I have some flipping mental block about two weeks (excuse)!  I mentioned that a couple of weeks ago--that I was worried about not being able to stay quit since I fell off the wagon the first time at the two week mark.  Someone (I believe Karenjones) asked me at that time if I was planning my relapse and I said, "no".  But, in retrospect, I believe I was but just didn't want to admit it, because really, how lame.


I feel like such a whiny, depressed failure. But, even so, I'm going to try again and reassess my tool kit and try to figure out what triggered me this time--if it even was a specific trigger. It doesn't feel like anything specific--just that I planned the relapse and talked myself right back into smoking. I'm setting my new quit date for Friday, 4/6/18.  In the meantime, I'm going to reread a lot of the information I have bookmarked on the site, as well as, Alan Carr's book.


I really make myself mad and sad a lot of times with my lack of impulse control. I certainly wouldn't blame anyone for deciding to give up on me and my quit--I mean, how do you continue to support someone who won't even do something so important for themselves--or rather, who attempts it over and over and then just gives up?  I don't know.  I was feeling depressed from not smoking, but now I feel more depressed having smoked. Naturally. Smoking doesn't improve ANYTHING. Ugh, Ugh, Ugh.