minihorses

Living In A 'Coma'

Blog Post created by minihorses on Dec 19, 2018

I realized yesterday while writing Christmas cards that I have not spoken or written to most of the people on my list of people to send them to.  I have no friends except the one that lives on the other side of the pond.  I thought about why I lost my friends besides being partially deaf and not able to hear a phone conversation sometimes.  I pondered that question very hard and came to the conclusion that I have been living in a mostly self-induced 'coma' of depression for 3+ years.  Much of that was due to my leg, the pain and having to tread lightly with it as well.  It still doesn't work right and all the things I loved to do outside I no longer do.  I basically live in my living room.  I even sleep in there while hubby sleeps in what used to be OUR bedroom.  I don't want to be around people like I used to either.  I stopped going to church when my knee 'moved west' and I was always active with them.  I've tried to go back a couple of times but I can't seem to drag my carcass out the door.  It's also due to family issues.  My family believes in some sort of a cosmic, higher power but are not Christian and will not go to church with me.  I haven't even been in the Christmas spirit the last couple of years.  This year we put the tree in the living room but I didn't spread the branches and there's no ornaments or star tree topper on it.  Part of this is that I have very low self esteem again, hubby ignoring my presence most of the time and the fact that the magic I had always enjoyed during the holidays lost it's feeling.  

I am slowly waking from this coma but I know myself well enough to remember I have to be proactive instead of reactive to get back to life.  I thank God for that wisdom but I also can't seem to actually DO anything to change.  At least I know absolutely without a doubt that smoking would not cure or help anything.  I don't crave them but at certain times the urge is still there when it comes to stress.  I'm going to try to reconnect with some old friends In the coming weeks.  I could  use the help waking up from my coma!

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