I realized yesterday while writing Christmas cards that I have not spoken or written to most of the people on my list of people to send them to. I have no friends except the one that lives on the other side of the pond. I thought about why I lost my friends besides being partially deaf and not able to hear a phone conversation sometimes. I pondered that question very hard and came to the conclusion that I have been living in a mostly self-induced 'coma' of depression for 3+ years. Much of that was due to my leg, the pain and having to tread lightly with it as well. It still doesn't work right and all the things I loved to do outside I no longer do. I basically live in my living room. I even sleep in there while hubby sleeps in what used to be OUR bedroom. I don't want to be around people like I used to either. I stopped going to church when my knee 'moved west' and I was always active with them. I've tried to go back a couple of times but I can't seem to drag my carcass out the door. It's also due to family issues. My family believes in some sort of a cosmic, higher power but are not Christian and will not go to church with me. I haven't even been in the Christmas spirit the last couple of years. This year we put the tree in the living room but I didn't spread the branches and there's no ornaments or star tree topper on it. Part of this is that I have very low self esteem again, hubby ignoring my presence most of the time and the fact that the magic I had always enjoyed during the holidays lost it's feeling.
I am slowly waking from this coma but I know myself well enough to remember I have to be proactive instead of reactive to get back to life. I thank God for that wisdom but I also can't seem to actually DO anything to change. At least I know absolutely without a doubt that smoking would not cure or help anything. I don't crave them but at certain times the urge is still there when it comes to stress. I'm going to try to reconnect with some old friends In the coming weeks. I could use the help waking up from my coma!
