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Share your quitting journey

HEAD GAME

millon03
Member
7 7 61

I woke up thinking that this whole quitting business is just one big head game. Physically I feel like I am a non-smoker; lungs are clearer, sleep is deeper, skin is starting to recover a bit and feelings are a lot more bolder. When I wake up it is not with the hand of fear wrapped around my throat but a feeling of like, "yeah, you don't have to light up this morning!" Smell and taste are also a lot better as well. But I know from past attempts that all of these great things can be taken away, not by a cigarette, though that would happen, but by my attitude about quitting cigarettes. I remember on my last real attempt many years ago, I would sit by the hour and obsess over how hard quitting smoking was and how it would be a miracle if I didn't smoke and was convinced that this just HAD to be the HARDEST THING I HAD EVER DONE!!! Every day was like that and I would cry and bitch and moan and make all the people around me so miserable that they stopped wanting to be around me. I fought with my boyfriend and I consumed thousands of calories a day because that is what I thought I was supposed to do.  Finally in my 4th month (I did it cold-turkey) my boyfriend broke up with me, and a bad break up it was, and I picked up that first cigarette. And if I am honest with myself, I was never so glad for a cigarette as I was for that one.  Everyone else was too!  That was in 2004 I think.  I didn't know that one cigarette would lead to 14 more years of smoking. I didn't know. I didn't really care but deep down inside there was this feeling of being a failure and loser and fraud. 

If I picked up a cigarette today I don't know if I could stop again. 14 years might turn into 24 years, if I was so unfortunate to live that long.  Because I know if smoked another 24 years it would be ugly, really ugly and I would probably wish for death. Honestly, I don't think my lungs have another 10 years of smoking, let alone 24. So I won't, I just won't find out. 

I blog here because I need to talk about it and I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to about it everyday. I am surrounded by non-smokers and smokers who are in denial and don't want to be bothered by an Exer. I write here because one day I may need to come back and read about how it was for me as a new non-smoker and to remember the support that I get from this awesome community! I write (hopefully) to give another new non-smoker courage to write their own story. I write because I need to remember that this is just one big head game and I can beat the head game by just simply changing my attitude.  Life is too short to be a piss-pot! 

Peace and have a beautiful day!

M. DOF 15

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About the Author
Living in New Mexico, which I love very much, originally from Calif. The sky is so big and blue and the land is so vast if you choose to leave the city for the day. NM is a wonderful place for meditation and contemplation.