Day 13

[mama3953]

I woke up this morning crying....I stayed in bed trying to figure out why...didn’t take long to figure out...I lost my parents a few years back and I lost my only sibling to cancer this past year....he had lung cancer he went through chemo and radiation and when it was time for his scans the cancer was gone!  Jubilant, thankful, and blessed......until six months later a mri of brain showed the cancer landed there!  He did not suffer thank god, but I on the other hand i was not coping well...I decided I would just smoke why not? I thought I was easing the pain, coping I would tell myself...cause I cant cope without smoking...coughing smoking everyday until 13 days ago sitting on my deck and a Red Robin landed on the tree and I burst into tears....i knew it was him visiting and smacking me across the face saying what the hell is wrong with you?  I miss him so much that it hurts...I have no one left to share my youth with or to say remember when.....so yes this morning I woke up crying because I had a dream about him last night....I will get through today knowing he is by my side...but it’s not a good day really.