Today is day 135 for me. For those of you who have read my post and comments to others you know that the biggest struggle has been my emotions. While I have come a long way and I am proud of myself, I still feel out of sorts. I have gotten things under control in the fact that I don’t burst out into tears, I’m not sad and down all the time, I can feel the anxiety coming and I can tell it to stop and go away. I have some good days and I have some bad days, but everyday I have to try to. When I smoked it seemed my happiness and joy came easily, effortlessly and now it’s kind of a battle. I am more paranoid than I ever was and I overthink everything. A few of my friends have mentioned that I am not my joking, sarcastic fun-loving self, and they are right. I’m not. I slip into being quiet and serious and paranoid that my friends don’t want me around etc... without even really noticing. My friends will say to each other “oh she’s having a good day,” or “oh she’s having a bad day.” Nice that they care but also stressful to have people constantly monitoring my behavior.
I’m scared that this is the new me. I don’t like this person. I want to be the way I was. I don’t think I’m depressed anymore like I was in the beginning of my quit, but things are still hard. Did this happen to anyone else? I just want reassurance that in more time my personality will return. I’ve read in many places that personalities tend to improve quitting but in my case I think it’s the opposite.
