Being forced to quit is different than wanting to quit

Blog Post created by linkinkohl02 on Sep 3, 2018

I am being forced to quit smoking by a surgeon. Today is day 3 (quit 9/1/18, but my profile is acting wonky since I chose a date prior to joining the site!). It's not the greatest time for it as I'm just getting over food poisoning, but it is what it is. I have no choice. So far my side effects are irritability, restlessness, indigestion, and being lightheaded.


I have costochondritis in my back, and have had it for over a year. My chiropractor believes that a surgical procedure would alleviate the stress on my back, so I had a consultation for surgery in June. The surgeon absolutely refuses to operate if I smoke, and swears he will take a nicotine test on me before surgery.


I completely understand the reason I have to quit smoking, but the way he handled the situation actually really made me mad and the way he acted was in a way that made me feel less. I am not less. I am a smoker. He was actually a really big jerk about the whole thing. It was almost a reverse psychology thing. Anyone who's been a smoker knows the feeling. The inner temper tantrum, when someone tells you it's bad for you. Well then, I'll just light on up and blow it in your face. Of course, I wouldn't do something like that in the real world. Contrary to popular belief..... 




I don't like being treated as if I'm stupid. I am not less important than a non-smoker. In fact, I go out of my way to smoke away from non-smokers, and feel ashamed of being a smoker when there's a non-smoker around. Non-smokers just happen to seek us smokers out to make us feel less than. Don't get me started on ex-smokers, they're even worse. I don't mean all ex-smokers, but you know the kind. Those that make you feel like an awful, stupid human that doesn't deserve existence. Smokers are not stupid. Smoking is stupid. I know this. Okay, back to my original tangent.


When I originally found out, I put myself through a trial quit. I was able to do it and I used Chantix to help. It certainly did help, along with the Harmless Cigarette I have (nicotine free!). I quit for one full week, until I used my husband and his friends getting drunk as an excuse to smoke a cigarette because I don't drink - and, I really wanted to figuratively kill them in their annoying state. I am not using Chantix or any other medication this time around. I don't like having to find the right concoction to not make me nauseous. I didn't mind the crazy dreams, though!


I did great for a week, but I didn't keep it up. I didn't 'want the pack to go to waste.' I have a million excuses. I do not feel a want to be dedicated to being a non-smoker. I would, however, like to get to that point eventually. I promise nothing.


Here's the downside to this whole thing, the reason I'm posting, the bane of my existence.... besides being forced to do something I don't want to do. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. Smoking was my 'break' from annoying co-workers. It got me out of my chair at work and away from people because I'm the ONLY smoker. It is way too hot to go for a walk. I find my co-workers irritating and unbearable when I am smoking. How do I tolerate them while I'm going through this alone?


I don't know if I'm going to stay quit. I don't have a reason why I want to continue to smoke. Currently, the addiction in me feels it's much more important for this to be a temporary quit than permanent. But, I know I only need to get through one day at a time. Yesterday doesn't matter and even though tomorrow does matter for at least the next six weeks (that's how long I MUST be quit), it won't matter at some point. As one co-worker I don't find repulsive says, "Win the day."


I should add for the commenters... I have read Allan Carr's books. I have listened to them. I have tried to do the hypnosis. I have joined his online classes. His stuff is hooey and I can't focus on meditation to do my own self hypnosis. I did find a kinder book that I enjoyed much more by Caroline Cranshaw. Informative, but still didn't give me the final nudge.


I'm not ready, and I don't know why. My addiction is having a temper tantrum with my logic.