I am Free

Blog Post created by karenjones on Mar 22, 2018

I am currently on the 7th day, of the 4 leg,  of what I call the Long Quit. I started quitting in September 2017. previous to that I hadn't smoked for 5 years. Previous to that I had smoked for 45 years. I didn't really quit in that five years. I stopped smoking out of fear and pain, after having a serious cancer (oral cancer) and I just could not physically smoke and I was scared of dying and wasn't prepared to die. Can we prepare to die, yes. but that is another subject. I wasn't prepared. And I knew that my connection with cigarettes had gotten me to that place of pain and fear and Death sitting beside me and Mr. pain. the pain and fear really overwhelmed any feeling of addiction or craving and I just did not entertain the idea of smoking, I had no desire to smoke, it never occured to me.  I suppose that I may have experienced withdrawal from nicotine symptoms, but when you are in Intensive Care with Mr. Pain and overwhelmed by him, you mind knows that only time will take this pain away, not a cigarette. Just writing about this now has taken me back to that time and I must end for now. I find it, not just difficult to talk about, but more than difficult.  But out of the pain and the fear and the unpreparedness for Death, and then taking up smoking AGAIN (yes, hard to believe, but it is a fierce addiction and hard to kill) and struggling to quit, I have learned alot. Mostly about myself, but about anyone who smokes.  now I feel free. And if what I have experienced can help one person, it is almost as if I have not lived in vain.   to be continued......  next time..... in the cancer ward when the lights have been turned off.