Up until now, I've had it "somewhat easy". I've had the expected withdrawal symptoms and cravings. I've had the irritability and everything in between that comes with committing to quit smoking. Today, I received the news that I was expecting to hear and surprisingly, as easy as it would be to pick up a cigarette, I really am not craving like I thought I would be.
About this time last year, I had attempted to quit smoking and it was going so well. I was getting ready to move into a new house and did not want to associate my new environment with smoking, so I grabbed my bottle of Lobelia and manged to quit...for just about 6 months or so. Then my father was diagnosed with cancer on his tongue. My father had quit smoking almost 30ish years previously so it came as an utter shock when this was diagnosed. I still did not smoke. My dad was scheduled to have an 8 hour surgery to remove the cancer and we got through that....still not smoking. But something the next day, I couldn't shake, even though after watching my dad go through all of that, all I wanted was a cigarette, to relax and calm myself (in hindsight, that was really dumb!!) and so I did. I stopped and bought a pack of cigarettes, feeling guilty and really scared every single time I smoked, but I still persevered and smoked every day for the next 6 months all while my dad struggled through radiation and still do this day cannot swallow water, let alone eat any solid food. I don't know why something like this didn't just make me want to think of cigarette smoking as dangerous and deadly, I don't know what made it the complete opposite for me, but 35 days ago, I decided to quit and here I am....Just got off the phone with my mom and it has been confirmed that my dad has to have another surgery (5 hours this time) to remove the lump in his throat. I was really expecting that when I got this news, that I would have the same reaction as before, but I really don't want to smoke. There is no desire. I don't know if my mindset is different, because I come on this site every day, because I have a support system this time instead of facing quitting alone, I just don't know. Although it was news that I was expecting to hear, it was still heartbreaking. This is my dad. I have decided to come here and write out my emotions. I am not sure what the coming days will hold, but if need be, I will be glued to this site because I refuse to throw away my last month of recovery and completely start over. I. JUST. CAN'T. I will continue to say N.O.P.E. and breathe deeply. I WILL log in tomorrow with 36 days under my belt.
Thank you for allowing me to share.