On July 24th 2008 I went rummaging around in my own dark corners of the self but this little trip was deliberate as I had a real good idea of what I was looking for. Many people around me ask why the hell I'm so mad all the time or I get irritated really easy and I like to use the abstract excuse that I'm irritated because the world is ****** up, people are ****** up, if they would just listen to me we could straighten all of this **** out. Yeah, right, dope-head! How's that for twisted thinking? So rummaging around really means I'm headed inwards to Jim's internal coliseum where all of the major battles have taken place since the beginning of time. This coliseum is kind of like the crumbling ancient Roman example and resembles it in size and general structure. But then you must picture a complex skin that is a combination of the Matrix, Borg, and Mad Max's Thunder-dome all twisted together. It can be a frightening and intimidating place to the uninitiated. I happen to have won some serious battles here myself, so I think. So into the arena of memories and beliefs I go looking for root causes. Man I have to stir this **** up again and it is strange how this turns out.
Now this is how I remember it and consider that we're going into my mind here so hang on and please fasten all safety belts. We're going back to the 1970's, a fairly normal kid with 3 brothers, a mother and a father living in the USA around the Steel Mills of Pennsylvania. We weren't rich but then again we weren't poor either. Looking back, provisionally, I had nothing to complain about that could actually be justified. Pops did a damn good job providing for us and Mom was a homemaker who did equally well in her field of expertise. She was also a fine seamstress. I remember as a little kid feeling quite happy and loved. Safe and sound like a bug in a rug. Life is good in middle class America with modern drugs for treating what ails you and cigarette smoke in most houses that I can remember. TV's were commonplace and when you ****** up your ass got beat. Bedtime was 8:00PM and every kid had coughs and sniffles. Seems like it was normal to me anyway.
Now things start to get interesting. Pops is a fairly religious man and a combat veteran of the Korean War, God bless him! Yet, truly, I obviously know very little of his past nor do I to this day and what actually lurks there but he got a hold of the teachings of one Herbert W Armstrong and his Worldwide Church of God. For some reason that is quite beyond me this stuff makes a ton of sense to him and so he moves on absorbing and assimilating these "divinely" inspired teachings and doctrines into our lives. After all the salvation of his soul is directly dependent upon imparting the correct teachings into ours. Once we reach the age of responsibility we are on our own and thus the cycle of life continues. I will not attempt to dethrone the Holy Herbert and that twisted lot as they have done quite fine on their own. If you are not familiar with them you are a much better person and the world is a much better place for it although you may find it difficult to follow me. What a surprise that is! Nor then will I assume to be able to explain that doctrine in anything other than my direct perceptions of the results reigned down on my psyche. Here is number one in Jim's coveted bag of hatred weapons.
So in the name of God and all that is Holy we must reject all of the devils works. Holidays are from pagan teachings and the works of that serpent and fallen angel Satan. We cannot partake in the joys of the flesh such as that. All holidays are here-by banished from your young little lives. Birthdays fit in there too. They must be the construct of the Dark Lord himself also so we cannot continue to participate in that. As a matter of fact since we have already done so I'm sure there was need of repentance and penance or it just would not be meaningful in the eyes of God. Beating the kids asses on a daily basis is absolutely necessary for the good of their souls and his. Now that's a ****** up idea for sure. I learned very well the difference between right and wrong and became an absolute master and natural born genius at figuring out how to do what the **** I wanted with out getting caught. That is the crux of what I learned from that philosophy as imparted through a U.S Army Staff Sergeant onto the little troops. Thanks Herbert, you were a ******* divine genius.
That ****, as I remember it, kept us little ones hopping pretty good and Mom and Pop going at it fairly regularly. Always verbal battles of one topic or another but I don't remember any particular subjects of the combat or any physical attributes as that was not our concern. I remember when my ass got whacked though. We didn't attend any formal church at that time just doing it at the house. Mom also had some pretty heady and serious medical issues as I understand and remember it. Epilepsy and left over byproducts of scarlet fever as a child. She had a pretty good battery of pill vials in the cabinet, right next to the pack of True Greens and matches. Puff ,Puff!!.sneak, sneak!
But even as that seems to be ****** up to me now, then, I still loved everyone in the family very intensely and we actually had many really good times. I personally would not consider myself an abused child nor would I agree with someone making that assessment. Think what you like I live with it and would question yours with equal intensity. The environment was very conducive to intellectual pursuits and I thrived academically but suffered brutally in the social arena for "our" religious beliefs especially as amplified by being the only children that I was aware of in the public school system not partaking in the holidays. That of course was easily explained away by the extent of wickedness in the world and the need to understand being "chosen"by God. It is an interesting and very painful thing to hear after every holiday what every body got and also catch the social battering of those same folks for having not. Even more in anticipation of the next one coming up! Those were my "friends". You know what Jimmy got, same as the last time. Yes sir the same as the last time. That of course only lasted until the novelty of holiday gifts giving wore off and we were then old enough that it was a little kid thing anyway. Of course I had already developed powerful self defense mechanisms like "don't cry in front of them, it only makes it worse" which then turned into "**** you ******* I'll beat you senseless"and of course "I hate you, you ******* prick, for doing this to me. I wonder where that got directed? Each one of those tools is neatly stashed on the shelf for the internal and autonomous psychological defense weapon retrieval mechanisms. So moving away from Pops for any type of emotional comfort was the natural result of that **** while anger and downright hatred replaced it. What a shame, all in the name of saving my soul. Now how the **** did that equate again? Not from the God I know!
Regardless, the next obvious step was a journey into the wonderful place called the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program in which the rest of your identity is replaced with even more bizarre mathematics and interesting teachings of holy supremacy. This environment is where the supreme act of Jimbo's doom occurs. Massive hatred number two! While participating in this bewildering and completely contradictory polarization of educations and turning into a young pubescent man mom has to go and die on me. Yep! Finally one of the complications or problems catches up to her and she lay on the couch for about three days or so with a massive fever before going to the hospital. I visited her with my Pops and I asked her when she was coming home. Now I'm12 years old and I know enough to be a complete fool. She said soon honey don't you worry. I even bummed some money off of her while she was there. ****, she gave it to me. She never came home. I waited and waited and she never came home again! Holy ****! Now what? She's really dead! What the **** kind of deal is that? Of course I still hear "the lord has taken her home" and "she's in a better place"and "there is no more suffering for her, I'm glad" and on and on. You're ******* glad? You *******! We need to beat some ones ass for letting her die and you're glad? What the hell was the old man going to do now? I'm sure his heart was broke but there is getting on with the practicalities of life. Four boys and mortgage with the Steel Mills headed down the *******. Gotta keep going! Very true but the problem now becomes who do you look to for some COMFORT? My ******* world was blown away as was that of my brothers and Pops too. The old man and comfort? God providing comfort? Brothers that are just as emotionally lost as you for comfort? The neighbors? Baby sitters? Hired Housekeepers?
Smoke a ******* joint. OHHHH Yeah baby. Smoke some dope. I got some by chance and burned the whole thing myself. Man was I ****** up. I loved it. Well that **** is pretty tough to get your hands on as an intellectual pulling straight A's because it's illegal and you have to be "cool" to approach that crowd. How do you become "cool"? I don't know so lets take a look. What do cool people look like? Short hair? Nope! I grew mine long as hell. Granimals clothes and neat slacks? Nope! Blue jeans, T-shirts, flannels and black boots. Damn they smoke ******* cigarettes too. I hate those ******* things. They burn my eyes and nose and make me cough. I guess I'll give it a shot. I choked like hell in front of the cool kids and they all laughed. We **** that I'll show you all. So I went home with my pack of smokes that you could buy at the store right over the counter at the time and ******* practiced. Can you imagine that? **** maybe you can. I had to train myself to ignore and overcome my bodies' natural defense mechanism when assaulted by smoke in the lungs to cough by practicing to actually inhale the ****. Which of course made the pot smoking experience all that much better. Damn son, here we are. Arrived at coolness and comfort with a massive social support mechanism at my fingertips. God cried hard, and I know it now!
So in the interest of sparing you the complete history of Jimbo's world war, I'm going to skip forward. Needless to say the story goes much further down into the depths of HELL and rises back into the HEAVENS but crashes and arises several more times. It is a crazy book but it is mine.
The morning of July 25th 2008 I'm blown out of a radical sleep by the absolute realization of what the **** happened. 30 years or so after the facts and some serious practice the Almighty hammers me in the heart at 03:38AM and I sit strait up in bed wide awake. I'm looking into an awesome galaxy somewhere in the universe and it is talking to my soul, my heart and my mind all at the same time. I was scared at first and then I realized or was told what was going on. Here is what I got;
"I Just wanted to point out to you that your mom left you from a natural event that is a by product of living called dieing. So you can now make peace with her and there is no reason to be mad at her any more. She still loves you. Dad couldn't do anything about it and really he is no better or worse than you or anyone else there so you can quit hating him and being angry with him too. Nothing he could have done or would have done could have changed these events. Your mom didn't leave you and your dad didn't hate you. You don't need to hate them or be angry with them! I did not take your mom from you and I did not make your father interpret things as he did. I am as I am! You do not need to hate me any more, either, as I know that you have. Is it not obvious to you that I love you? You are not a demon from hell that deserves to feel and be as you are. You are a part of me and deserve to be the joy and love that I am and you can let go of all of it. You just simply let go of it and let me wash it away. The pain and the suffering and the misery, hatred, distrust, and the darkness are gone Jim. You have carried them far too long and you may let them go along with all of the things you used to deal with them. You are free! " HP
BOOOM! There is no way my warped gourd came up with that. I got out of bed shaking. I hate everything most of the time! I didn't quite understand why but it is true. You want to talk about thunder and lightning! You want to talk about freedom! My soul is smiling through the tears. There are details I'll work on as I go but I am instructed by HP to keep things simple and try to spread what I've just been given, the gift of LOVE amongst those around me. I'm free for real and I feel like a little kid again in a big dudes body. WOW! WOW! The odds are beyond in my favor! God told me so!
I hope this happens for each of you at some point in your life. I did not expect it nor did I plan it but MAN ALIVE I'M GOING WITH IT.
THANKS HP! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!
TODAY AND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I CHOOSE NOT TO USE!
God bless you all,