indingrl.01.06.2011

Another Level of Change

Blog Post created by indingrl.01.06.2011 on Aug 11, 2017

Please I am only talking about ME so take what helps and let go of the rest. Thank you. Today I was  taking inventory  MY INSIDES....I remembered all the things I use nicotine to escape....only I seem to be where ever I went....I notice TODAY I have really grown up on the inside...in 1997.....I was a victim of MY past...4 year old running around in an adult body...letting MY memories of old.....MY old feelings......habits of old that I  learned from MY past...steal MY relationships with people in general..... I would either be so deadly quite or so rage-fully loud....ALL for attention and to fill a constant CRAVING to be loved with NO STRINGS ATTACHED....it seems I would THINK I was doing things for others so they would love ME.....like ME.... yet what I discovered TODAY was the deeply rooted trouble in ME of this constant CRAVING.....to STOP this self-hate for wrong choices....mistakes.... failed as a mother...friend....human being.....things I hated doing because I was FORCED to do by the adult in MY life as a CHILD....then came the time in MY life when I was grown up on the outside....yet still CRAVING this unconditional love for SOMEONE...TODAY I discovered another LEVEL OF CHANGE IN ME....this CONSTANT CRAVING has been fulfilled TODAY....God filled ME with his love...My Lord Jesus....the Holy Spirit brought this to MY attention while praying TODAY....I LOVE MYSELF TODAY....I was looking on how to let more people into MY JESUS HEART..  I am taking a RISK......I am going to be brave and fill out paperwork to be a volunteer at the library TODAY God willing......I am going to TRUST God and risk being hurt by loving GOD, MYSELF AND NOW OTHERS......face to face....to see what a grown up relationship is in this place called....earth....this change is deep FACTS to the betrayal of blood family....and those I chose as BEST friends in 1997....FACT....no teaching on relationships EVER....MY past relationships examples.....one was MY best friend who knew my X-husband raped my kids...when he got out of prison...she CHOSE to have a relationship with him.... until he started hurting her sexually..... then she came to me for help....yes I prayed and helped her I went to police since he had to report to police where ever he lived....child rapist...etc......this was YEARS ago....yes I worked through a lot of crap in ME.... to be her friend this very day...she said sorry and thank you for helping her.....08-11-17...TODAY...I was thinking WHY am I her friend TODAY....This is the type of thinking and feelings that lead ME to use nicotine or ANYTHING to escape and shove these MEMORIES back down....I remembered.....GOD IS LOVE.... God forgave ME and no one is without sin...NO ONE......then another person I trusted to be MY best friend betrayed ME after I let her live in MY home....because she was going through her divorce and homeless....helped her get on her feet....then helped her find an apartment......she gets back together with her X-husband and she also knew my X-husband raped my kids....she invited the X-husband and her X-husband into her home for a football party....NOW I know they have every right to make these choices....regardless if I agree with them or not....TODAY.... I realized I was in a deep self-pity and self-hate that was deeply rooted in the PAST victim childhood and twisted perspective with the insides of me about these two relationships in 1997 bothering ME TODAY.....i was a people pleaser and went to any length to get this FAKE LOVE...TODAY.....I am honest with MYSELF.... I chose to help them and ACCEPT them just as they are....human just like ME....I  continue to work on ME....I have discovered this NEW LEVEL OF CHANGE inside of ME was MY choice TODAY....I CHOSE to continue in Gods love and learn from MY mistakes..TODAY...Praying and asking the Holy Spirit to teach ME how to be a Jesus friend and leave the outcome of MY relationships TODAY in his care.....GOD IS LOVE..... I continue to help others..... just like ME who are hurting...made mistakes...and failed as a friend...mom....human being....that just like ME... to continue to love...to forgive God...MYSELF.....and others.....This is MY chosen Christ lifestyle today.....I keep moving into a deep level of relationship with Christ Jesus by the Holy Spirit in ME to NEW level deep within ME...to keep growing up....INSIDE....now I am 33 years INSIDE and 60 years young on the OUTSIDE....ever so grateful for this deeper level of CHANGE.....STAYING QUIT NO MATTER WHAT.....in Jesus name amen HOORAY FOR JESUS! Gosh it is wonderful to admit completer defeat and still be rejoicing I aint using nicotine to share MY heart with ALL of you.

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