Today is Friday, April 27, 2018 the day before I came into this world as a healthy non-smoking boy. I finished my 2nd reading of the easy way book yesterday and at 4:00 in the afternoon extinguished my “last” cigarette and proclaimed myself a non-smoker. The evening went well but this morning unlike my breakfast post from one of my last attempts, I relinquished to the wife’s purse for one of those precious white sticks that I enjoy so much.
My difficulties in quitting and the use of this site and others is I do not really have a lot of triggers, I have learned from my last two very recent attempts to quit that every 30 min my addiction needs fed, not because I am stressed, or depressed, or bored, just because I am addicted. I had quit before when I had triple heart by-pass surgery eight years ago and for 2 months had absolutely no desire to smoke. With an entire family that smokes feeling “left out” and missing the enjoyment of smoking I was sucked back into the trap again.
I like the easy way book because it makes total sense. I have been all the smokers he describes; above I was the “sneaker” I have been the pitiful smoker picking buts from the back yard like a homeless person just so I could lie to myself and say I’m not buying a pack so I am not smoking again. The final breakdown then was the “deal” I made with myself that if I wanted a pack I had to walk to the store to get one, about ¾ mile away. Soon the exercise regimen undertaken after my surgery paid off, and the dog looked forward every evening for our daily walk to the store and would be waiting by her leash wide eyed and tail wagging, whimpering when I arrived home. Now who could deny the dog the walk she so patiently waited for all day?
Everything in the book I can believe, I know it is true, but I just cannot seem to burn it into my brain.
- They taste bad…… I do not taste them anymore. I have smoked for so long that there is no bad taste, no horrible smell, in fact the only cigarettes I can remember having a “flavor” are DunHills and Balkan Sobraine.
- The poisoning of your body…. This is my “normal” state. I feel this way all day every day and have for most of my life so I do not feel bad I feel normal.
- The money……. It is not a burden on my financial situation, I get by just fine. Although I am cheap and hate to spend $6-7.00 on a lunch, have no problem shelling out $12.65 for cigarettes.
- The health risk….. this is the only one that is a true reality that is in my mind all the time.
So this morning with my intended quit date tomorrow (my birthday) I re-read the last important page of The Easy Way and today I am a SMOKER a full blown pack in pocket cigarette totin’ lighter at the ready SMOKER. However, today I am a Conscientious smoker.
I stopped at the gas station and bought a pack of my brand in menthol, which I have disliked all my life but as it is pointed out in the book will not stop you from smoking one if you were out and bummed one from a co-worker. I lit the first pulling out of the parking lot and made sure I did not “auto-smoke” I thought about each puff, tasted each breath, payed attention as the dizziness although slight worked its way into my brain. Felt how the muscles in my body tighten as the white stick burned away. I consciously paid attention to how much I “enjoyed” that cigarette so I would not forget the true feeling of smoking. As I crossed the bridge close to work I made sure I lit that “ we can’t smoke at work” to get "the last one in before the parking lot" cigarette that I did not really want at the moment and again took the time to truly pay attention to the taste, smell, and feeling. The ash as it blew back in the cracked window as I tried to flick it out the window crack, all the things that have become so automatic and mundane that they constantly overlooked.
Today is a miserable chilly drizzly rainy day, and with each and every “need” I will march out across the parking lot. Stand huddles under a tree for protection and with each and every puff consciously taste, smell, and feel the complete experience of that cigarette I keep telling myself I want, need, and cannot live without!!
A friend once asked me why I only smoke half a cigarette, and I have had co-workers say man you smoke quick. This has been because I am only feeding my addiction and half a cigarette calms the craving. But NOT today, today I am a full-blown SMOKER and I will “enjoy” that smelly foul tobacco stick to the butt with each and every one I smoke. When the flavor fades I will do a “French inhale” and get the full taste of the weed, let it sting my sinuses, and breathe that smoke deep into my lungs. As I walk back to the building, I will pay attention to the hack and cough it has produced, the spit to get rid of the taste that has been so common it goes unnoticed. Today I WILL burn into my brain how much I truly enjoy smoking.
Lunch has passed and a wonderful pizza was on the menu. Something else I am not supposed to have due to fat and cholesterol but what the hell, if your killing yourself point both barrels. It was delicious and even though smoking all full cigarettes throughout the morning had more than fed my addiction and at this point I did not really want to have one, but I would NOT be denied the after lunch desert smoke that had taunted me so many quit days. How dare I deny myself the decadent pleasure that in the past I had pined for and been deprived of. So off under the drizzly tree I puffed away making sure each horrible enjoyable inhale was tucked away into memory. Returning to the lunchroom the smell of pizza still lingered in the air. I could still taste the pepperoni and chee…..ohh no I couldn’t, I had a lovely taste of my desert (an ashtray) dancing and lingering on my tongue, what a pleasant enjoyable time in the rain while everyone else who does not smoke were warm and dry and contently chatting. I certainly will never deny myself that pleasure again.
It is late afternoon and unlike other days when i fear the pack is running low i cannot believe this pack of horror just will not run out.Throughout this afternoon i have had to force myself to finish this pack. Why would someone force themselves to smoke you ask? Because as i stated in the beginning of this post my inability to quit has been my addictions need to smoke and my belief and false desire that i want to smoke. As I extinguish the last cigarette in this pack unlike yesterday when i was sure i could " do without them" today I do not want another. I will go to bed this evening and wake up in the morning with the memory of this day burned into my brain and when the addiction "needs" a cigarette mt brain can tell me i do not "want" a cigarette then or ever again. That will allow me to deal with the addiction that i have instead of the false desire i have had in the past.
At this moment i can TRULY proclaim that i an NO LONGER a smoker. I do not need to follow the time table of "if i can just make it through today" or " in 3 weeks I will be free". I will wake tomorrow knowing i am not depriving myself of any pleasure, any desire, anything good. I will be depriving my addiction and nothing else.
When I left work today i reached in my drawer and pulled out my quit smoking list that I have carried for so many failed quits that i needed to laminate with packing tape. I have attached photos of that list for those of you who love the irony of life. Everything I have listed today as the miserable experience of smoking and have burned into a memory is on that list.
Tomorrow is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!. the only better present that I could ask for is the loving words and hugs of the woman who brought me into this world and I will never get or feel those since she has passed. but tomorrow I will be reborn and i will beat this addiction once and for all and that is the greatest present i can give myself and my son. I will take the pledge tomorrow without the fear i will disappoint he hands i hold and without the guilt of knowing i broke the pledge every time the phone alerts the next pledge.
If you have drudged through this long post I hope you have a smile on your face as large as mine. and if you reply PLEASE do not send me good luck and best wishes because i an no longer relying on luck and hope. Simply wish me a Happy Birthday and Many, Many, Many more to come.