After 35 days clean, I failed, on Xmas eve. I decided to have 'one' cigarette with my cousin's boyfriend. Christmas with my father's side of the family is a particularly difficult time for me. My dad died five years ago. My grandmother (his mother) passed away as well, and my uncle (his brother) died two years ago. I miss my dad and my grandmother terribly, and my emotions were running high and I had a few drinks, which didn't help the situation at all, so when I said I could really use a cigarette, and he asked "do you want one" and I said yes, it was an easy response. I can't describe the guilt that I felt. But at the same time, the relief from the responsibility of quitting. I even went so far as to buy myself a pack on the way home. I figured, I'm back to square one, so I may as well go all in.. I hate myself. They taste disgusting. There is no satisfaction. There is no sense of accomplishment or pride. I hate the fact that I have to go back to day one and start all over again. I was so happy with what I'd done for myself. I cannot believe I'd let this trigger get the best of me. I am holding myself accountable and that's why I'm posting here, to show others and hope they don't make the same mistake. Its not worth it. I have a heavy heart. My mother and sister don't know, and if and when they find out, I know how disappointed they'll be. Quitting is such a hard process but I'd been so successful this far. I can't believe I'd let myself slip. Please, please if anyone reading this is having a difficult time during the holidays, be strong and get through, it's only a matter of a few days and life will get back to normal....I know that if my dad were here he would have steered me back inside,and not allowed me to have that smoke tonight. He quit smoking when I was born, and quit chewing tobacco because it was it was a potentially cancer-causing habit. I wish I was able to help him stop drinking, which was the cause of his untimely death, but you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. I'm willing to stop smoking, but sometimes I wonder if I'm truly able....I hope I am. Here is to another fresh start. Merry Christmas.
