greydawn77

Ten plus one - struggling

Blog Post created by greydawn77 on Nov 27, 2017

I had my last cigarette on November 16th at approximately 9:10pm, so I've been quit for almost 11 days. I don't know how I feel yet. It's been a furious flurry of emotions, from anxiety and irritability to an incredible sense of self-satisfaction for being able to withstand the overwhelming cravings and battle it through these difficult few days. What I'm so concerned about is, "can I do this for the long haul"? I have this sense of emptiness, like there is something missing from my life, a void that I can't fill. I am using NRT (lozenges), and I have been vaping (low nico level) when things get unbearable. (this is frustrating me, and making me feel like a quit failure). I am trying to keep myself busy but there are those times that I can't seem to distract myself, and I have a hard time seeing myself quit for 30, 60, 90 days... forever. That need is still there when I drive home, when I take out the dog, after I have dinner... those key times. I need to fill in the blanks with something else, and I'm just having a hard time finding it. I guess I'm expecting too much, too soon. I haven't caved in, and I'm proud of myself for it, but there's such a large part of me that just wants to say "eff it, this is too hard". I did refuse my company Xmas party because of the drinking (and smoking) that's involved. I guess that's a big step. Well, I'm going, I'm just not going to the bar afterwards. That's where I know I'd get into trouble. I really do want this. I want to stay strong. I just wish I was a stronger person. Willpower has never been my best trait. I'm going to keep this up, one day at a time, I guess. 

Outcomes