I haven’t been coming to the playground much lately. I have peeked through the fence a few times. Everyone seems to be having fun on the swings or the slide. I have seen some new kids here too, and the elders are showing them around, helping them stay away from the nicotine bullies.
So why am I peeking in, rather than coming in and getting involved? I don’t know, it is just my feeling lately. This No Mans (or Womans) Land has really brought me down. The caravan master was right. It is like a desert. There is not quite enough water, or food, or shade. Nothing completely satisfies. There is this hole in me, and nothing to fill it.
I know it will go on for a while, and there is just a quiet nagging that seems constantly with me. And because the end of the desert is over the horizon, it is hard to tell when this will end. And that makes it harder. If I knew it was 200 more miles, and I would be out, heck, I could do that. But not knowing, that is tough.
But no, I do not feel like smoking. I do not let my mind go there. I tell myself that the end will come. My mother nagged me to do my homework for 12 years, and I was able to resist her. This should be easy. And I know it is not easy, but I will make it. And as I write this, I realize I need to come to the playground more. Even if it is just mopeing around by the sandbox, I think it is better if I hang around here. It is better for me to share this, but to be completely honest, I was never good at sharing my struggles. I guess I should work on that too.
So, I don't know, maybe I'll wander over to the Jungle Gym.
