forgivememyheart

Day 7 smoke-free; day 2 on this site

Blog Post created by forgivememyheart on May 19, 2020

 I slept 9 hours last night... I had such a deep cry yesterday. NOT DEPRESSED!  Just that the outpouring of support on this site opened the floodgates that I used to stuff with cigarettes .  I imagine that's a thing, right?  Lots of emotions bubbling up?  I know smoking chokes down emotions.  I remember once, when I was upset about something, I lit a cigarette WHILE I HAD ONE ALREADY GOING!   

    A vivid dream which recurs at times:  I open up some kind of small basement door, or firewood door, and peer down. 

Down there I can see thousands of arachnid-type creatures like crabs, small and large, some gigantic, immense, and they all start shifting in the shaft of light.  They are looking at me, moving over eachother.   I quietly shut the little door, latch it, and light up a cigarette.  

 

    I wonder where this journey will take me.  It's beyond "just health", though even 7 days has made a HUGE difference in my body.  I made a committment yesterday, to my heart, and lungs; my body.  To love myself .

I said that expression was "trite", but look:   Would I blow choking smoke down a child's mouth, again and again as she sputters and coughs?  Would I blow smoke into a beloved pet's eyes and lungs?  NO.  Because I love those babies.  But myself?  No problem.  

 

    There is SOME REASON ... don't know what it is just yet, but for now, my cilia and alveoli and bronchi and heart and darling body are my very forgiving children, my pets, my family. I am holding them close and asking, just once more, for forgiveness. 

Outcomes