So I just gotta vent. It seems that there are ZERO quitters who feel like I feel, so I'm not writing this for anyone else. I am so totally miserable and frustrated, though, so I wanna write it and get it out of my head.
So today is day 70 without a cigarette and makes 8 weeks without any form of nicotine. I belong to Quitnet so I go there and read posts and everyone's like "Oh I'm so glad to be a non-smoker!" and (even though they've only been quit for 1-2 weeks), "Eww - I smelled cigarette smoke today and it STUNK something terrible!". I read that stuff and I'm just like, "Seriously??" My quit is NOTHING like their quits, apparently. I'll tell you how my quit is....
For me, it has been 70 long, miserable days of nothing but PURE TORTURE and it has not gotten better at all. In fact, the more time goes by, the harder it gets, the more I suffer, and the harder it is to prevent myself from from going to go buy a pack. Every single minute of every day I am always thinking about how badly I want to smoke a cigarette. And that is SERIOUSLY getting old. I'm quite tired of it.
Of course they say "distract yourself". I know a big problem is that I'm out of work right now and all I do is sit in the house all day long - thinking of how badly I want a cigarette. So everyday I go out - I walk in the park, I walk around the mall, etc. I still think about how bad I want to smoke though. No matter where I am or what I'm doing.
"Remind yourself why you quit" they say. Well, I loved smoking. I quit because I have no job and can't afford to buy them anymore. And I don't want bad health problems from smoking. But that does not make me NOT WANT TO SMOKE ALL DAY EVERY DAY!
They say, "Read Allan Carr's book". I read it twice.
Two days ago, I went to go eat at Hometown Buffet. As soon as I got out of my car, I could smell cigarette smoke. It smelled SO GOOD I could've just melted right then and there. So I just said out loud, "Oh man I smell a cigarette!". I walked around the corner and there was a guy sitting on the bench smoking a cigarette. He had heard me and he said, "Yep. That's me". I said, "Oh. I quit 2 months ago but I miss it and that smells sooo good. Can I sit next to you and smell it?" He said "Yeah", so I sat down and smelled it while he smoked the whole thing.
I just keep waiting for it to get better, to get a few minutes in a day when I think "I'm glad I quit smoking". There has not yet been 1 minute when I felt that. Mostly I've been angry at myself for quitting!!! I think, "Why'd you quit? Why suffer every minute of every day for months on end? Why give up something you enjoy?" I thought since I've been nicotine free for 8 weeks that it'd be tolerable by now. It is not.
I quit for 6 years when I was having babies from 1996-2001. During that time, I ALWAYS wanted a cigarette. I remember the desire never diminished and never went away. I don't remember the quitting process to be so hard then. Maybe it was. I don't know. All I remember is always wanting to smoke, so when my youngest turned 2 I went back to smoking.
So I don't know what I will do. Smoke again or not. I think I will give it six months. Maybe it will be tolerable at the 6-month mark. I was certainly a lot happier when I was smoking, that's for sure. But then I seriously can't afford to spend $8/day on cigarettes.