elvan

Trying to get back to being ME

Blog Post created by elvan on Aug 22, 2018

Most of you know that I had to have my beloved cat, Bijou, euthanized on the 9th...I have been in so much pain that I cannot describe it.  I am sure it is a combination of grief and guilt...I feel guilty because I could not help her.  I did not have the money to have extensive testing done so we will never know what was wrong...I carried her to the litter box several times a day, padded my bed in case she had an accident during the night, I even had a small litter box on the bed the last few days.  I was so proud of her for using it the morning of the 9th.  I did not realize until later that she was also using throw rugs and clothing that was on the floor.  When I found out,  I had so many loads of laundry to do and the SMELL was absolutely overwhelming.  I made the appointment feeling like I was punishing this poor little thing for something she could not control.  She could no longer stand up, her front legs and back legs were so weak and wobbly.  She used the throw rugs to pull herself around when she was on the floor...I had a pile of clothes waiting to go to Goodwill and she apparently pulled herself to them and lost bladder control.  The vet said she was probably so uncomfortable being held upright to pee that she never emptied and she likely had an infection, hence the strong smell. The vet told me over and over again how lucky she was to have me and that we had done much more than most people would have.  She knew how much I loved that cat, she was like a baby and I felt like it was my responsibility to care for her so losing her was simply crushing.  I still cry when I think of her, I cry when I look at the place where she slept...I cry a LOT.  I haven't been here much because it's not your responsibility to get me through this, it is MINE.  I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable because I cannot stop crying, I know from past experience that I will get stronger.  In the meantime, I cannot be here as much as I used to even though I do get great comfort from each and every one of you.  I thank you, with all of my heart for the prayers and the love and the messages.  

 

We heard from the hospital an hour ago...Mike has to be there at 8:00 for surgery.  We will have to leave home no later than 6:30 (I work the day before so I am usually half dead on Monday).  I don't know how long the surgery will take, we will stay in Charlottesville at the Hospitality House overnight.  It will cost $20 for the two of us, we will have a room and a shared kitchen.  He has to keep his head down for the first two weeks...maybe longer.  Looking down like he is reading a book.  He can only raise his head to eat and to swallow pills and liquids.  I may try to take my tablet with me but I have no idea if I will be able to connect to wifi.  I couldn't connect at the hospital when he had the heart attack...this is a different hospital.

 

I am going to finish getting my house ready for us to be gone, our son is going to spend the night to feed the cats...we have a feral cat who is on the front porch and who HATES him and our other indoor cat who is in serious mourning.  I don't want them alone overnight if it can be avoided.

 

Thank you all and much love,

Ellen

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