It is no secret that I have a tendency to feel things pretty intensely, sometimes those things are not the same as what others are feeling. My heart is broken right now…into so many pieces that I do not know if I can put it back together yet again. I have listened to all of the coverage that I can stand about the school shooting. I saw the shooter’s face today, he is 19 years old, his father died 14 years ago and his mother died in November, “probably from the flu.” He had an on line presence with 219 followers and he talked about becoming a “professional school shooter.” We need to mourn all the lives that have been senselessly lost…I may be alone on this one but I need to mourn this person’s life as well. His life is over…no matter what happens now, it is over and while I know that the victims of the shooting had no choice in this, I know that this very young man was damaged perhaps a long time ago. I cannot stop seeing all of the faces, the victims who died and the victim of whatever caused this to happen. Please don’t get angry with me, my feelings are not something that I stuff anymore and let me tell you that more than one person tried to beat my feelings out of me, it did not work. The feelings were still there after being beaten and after smoking more cigarettes than I can count. Clearly, I am not wired the same way as the majority of the world. Can’t help it and refuse to try to stuff things down anymore. I am exhausted caring for my husband, serving him three meals a day in bed, pleading with him to PLEASE keep his leg up since it looks like it belongs on an elephant. Both of my daughters are sick with what sounds like the flu…they are both in different parts of NY State, and my son and his wife just launched their dinner hours tonight. There is no peace right now, no matter where I look. Two years ago at this exact time of year, “Courage” aka Fannie died from the complications of smoking, she was 54. I am sad tonight and I am going to sign off so I don’t spread it all over the place.
For those of you who do not understand the title of my blog...it was what jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 told me back when I was only about 60 days quit and I could not stop crying...he said it was okay that I was watering my cheeks.