Seems I can catch a glimpse of the trail I'm on and then it disappears. I'm still confident that I'm on the right trail only it's hard to stay focused.
Incredible - only a couple of days ago, the trail was clear, level and easy hiking. I noticed the fog rolling in on Sunday and then yesterday, it set in deep. I thought maybe it was because I was tired yesterday and was in hopes the trail was going to be clear again this morning, but yet, it's not.
Lost in No Mans Land? I’m guessing that’s what I feel right now. I feel down, depressed and alone not really knowing why. Am I mourning the loss of my companion for the last 40 years? Why? What did it ever do for me? It robbed me of money, health, pride in myself. I suppose once upon a time, it made me feel like I fit in. I guess that’s why I ever started in the first place. Those days are long gone - lately, it only made me feel like an outcast - sneaking away for a smoke.
I should be excited - in two days, my wife and I are going to California and then up to Oregon. She’s adopted and about a year and a half ago, she found out she has 2 half sisters. They’ve been here and now we are going to visit them. Since it's all the way across the country and since I’ve never been to California or Oregon, we’re taking extra time to see Yosemite, the Redwoods and Crater Lake. It will be a great time - we don’t seem to spend as much time together lately as we once did.
I haven’t really asked my wife for much support - Why? Mainly because I feel so guilty that I was not there for her when she quit. That I made it harder for her because I continued to smoke. Maybe it’s time to apologize and ask her to please forgive me for being so selfish.
So here’s where I am - do I continue down this trail to freedom or do I succumb yet again? There really ISN'T a choice here. Do I want to be able to continue to hike or do I want this companion to rob me of that as well? Do I want to tell my wife again that I can’t do this? Do I want to tell myself that I’ll die from smoking?
I guess I’ll just stumble around in the woods for awhile - I can still see the light ahead of me, it’s just rather dim. Thanks for listening…