As those of you who know me already know, I simply cannot write short blogs. This one won't be short. But perhaps I can catch your attention by saying I seriously considered smoking (for a short time) and I even gave myself permission, but I didn't want it and I never will.
I've had a very upsetting week -- work troubles again, forgetting things, not being able to drag myself in (it's an hour-and-a-half commute each way) and ended up working from home a lot, etc. For several months I was having awful migraines, and missed work for those and in April my manager had me in a session with Human Resources, and I said I would do better. I actually got help with the migraines -- I also have something called essential tremor, which is like garden variety arthritis -- it just happens to some people with aging, and unless it gets really bad, you don't even treat it. Well, it started getting really bad, and I had a Friday when I couldn't type or hold a glass. So my neurologist put me on Inderal, and it helped the tremors and I've only had 2 and a half migraines in the last three months. That's huge. But I digress. I worked at home last Thursday, and when I got to work on Friday my manager told me we were going back to HR. They offered me two options -- I could go on a Performance Improvement Plan, which, if I didn't measure up I would lose my job, or cut back to 20 hours a week and a less stressful schedule but I would lose all my benefits. I have to give them my answer by tomorrow. I was supposed to figure out the finances and all aspects over last weekend, and I simply couldn't do it. I got insanely depressed, and by Monday I was a total wreck. Monday was the day that I thought "F--- it." I'm a total loser and why not just smoke? I really felt like it wouldn't matter because I was useless. But even in the depths of a depression I haven't experienced in many, many years, I did NOT want to smoke.
And actually, realizing that I didn't want to smoke helped me crawl back into feeling a little better each day. I'm going to take the cutting back to 20 hours a week and consider it semi-retirement. I'm going to take money out of my IRA from my 401k from my last job to pay off debt, and I'll learn to live on half my salary. I may not be able to live the lifestyle I've established, but maybe being less stressed will turn out to be a blessing. I'm going to work from 8 to noon 5 days a week. I might get a dog. I might volunteer a couple of days a week. I've been isolating terribly for the last few months, and I need to make sure this part time job doesn't allow me to become a lazy waster of time.
So to those of you who know me, thanks for letting me tell my tale of woe. To those of you who are newer and don't know me, it's a little embarrassing to reveal this much to total strangers, but please take from this that the cigarette you're craving is nothing. It will not solve any of your problems, and will not make up for anything you're missing in your life. I've kind of been known as the Happy Quitter, and I'm happy to say I still am.