daniellea

Rage, Shock and Boxing

Blog Post created by daniellea on Jul 21, 2018

I haven't been here in a while, and I don't want to get complacent because being part of the ex community is the something I'm doing different during this quit.  I'm happy to say it's day 11, and I feel like I'm walking around with 2 emotions: RAGE and SHOCK.  The rage makes me want to smoke, but I know that's my inner addict trying to make me feel entitled to light up.  The shock feels like confusion...I have a whole list of crap to do and I just can't keep it straight in my head.  The best I can do is cleaning the dishes, caring for my cats and I did cook a scrumptious dinner tonight. 

 

Over the past few years, I realized that I like spending nights home alone - even Saturday nights, so I held off on making plans.  Sometimes I think something's wrong with me for staying in so much, but I like doing things around the house, reading, and being around my animals.  I think that somehow smoking beat the loneliness or self-doubt that I might be feeling tonight. 

 

I was in NYC recently and had a really hard time walking the many flights of steps that lead out of the subway.  My heart was pounding and I even had to take a break so I could catch my breath.  I felt grateful that smoke wasn't in my lungs, but I also see that without smoking, I can start to move my body and build some endurance and strength.  My fantasy is to take a boxing class.  I think it will help with the rage.

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