I did not make the time to write yesterday. But I had a good day. Took a 2-mile walk with my friend and her adorable dog around the pond. Moving my body, hanging with animals, being among trees and water make so much more sense when I'm not polluting the air with cigs. There were smokers along the walk, fishing. I did not fault them, but felt so grateful to not be adding more stink to the air alongside them.
I'm kind of stressed. My mother is mad at me because I will not go to my cousin's wedding. Forget the why I'm not going. She's just pressuring me really hard --- to the point where I had to hang up the phone on her a few days ago. My mother and I have a tough relationship. Mom is a major trigger. She was the first person to condemn my smoking when I was 13/14(?). She gets really invested in my quits and heartbroken when I relapse.
However, I have to go and see my parents out of state. My dad's having a biopsy on Wednesday. I love my dad, have a special relationship with him and want to be there. But I don't want to stay at my parent's house. I'm afraid I'll smoke at anything right now, and I already have tension brewing with her. I decided to spend about 3 hours online looking for a hotel I could afford, and I found one! I didn't have to tell mom that I was staying in the hotel because I didn't want to be around her crazy ass. I simply said, "I wanted to be in a place that is equidistant between you and dad, and some other things I need to do while in town." She didn't give me any fight! She actually said, "I think that's a good idea because our a/c isn't working." Double score! And it's a non-smoking hotel of course...and I LOVE HOTELS!
I dreamt about going for a cigarette. In my dream, I had just been waiting for one, jonesing. When it was time to light one up, the sunshine in the dream turned bright, kind of golden. I woke up angry that I couldn't smoke. It feels like now or never for me. Relapsing is such a drag. Later, after feeding the cats (not in a dream), I thought, "OK, cigarette time." I even felt the sense of relief I used to feel when it was time to smoke. It was a bit of a cold splash in the face when I realized that's not part of my agenda anymore.
I feel pooped. Emotions take their toll. Smoking aversions take up a lot of energy. The sense of disappointment that I can't smoke feels heavy. I am glad to lighten it up a bit by writing here, and making a commitment to stay smoke free today.