What have I done to myself

Blog Post created by constanceclum on Jul 29, 2019

Today is day 1 (soon to be won) I'm in a lot worse shape than the last time I posted here. This summer has been brutal here in NC and I have been absolutely miserable for 2 mo. with having a hard time breathing. This is the first summer that I have experienced this and I have decided that life is not worth living feeling like this. I also just had my second low dose CT scan on a lung nodule that shows the nodule has grown so is possibly malignant. Recommends further testing.


I think of all my past attempts at quitting and get so mad at myself! If only I had truly committed, I wouldn't be having to go through these withdrawals again. My copd wouldn't have worsened to this point. I probably wouldn't be struggling to breath. Even my immune deficiency, that I have to go for infusions for every mo. They have no idea what causes it, but I wouldn't be a bit surprised if smoking contributed to it.


So I'm here again. I wouldn't think of quitting without EX. I don't know how I would get through hell week without you. Today has been hard, even with a patch and lozenges. I have that continuous feeling of a "hole" in my chest and fuzzy headedness. Also weak, anxious, shaky, and very tired. I believe though, that by typing this, it will lose some of it's power.


My friend quit 6 yrs. ago after she was diagnosed with lung cancer and had a lobectomy. Last yr. she had pneumonia 3 times and it's made her copd so much worse. She really struggles to breath. She's said a few times that she quit smoking too late. I told her "no, it's never too late". Now I'm telling myself that. Realistically, I probably will die of copd or maybe lung cancer but quitting has to improve quality of life which, right now, is very poor for me.