Hi everyone -
Haven't posted in a minute. Lots going on. Honestly I am feeling a little guilty or even embarrassed at where I'm at. I mean, we all go through tough things in life, right? I read about it on this forum and everywhere all the time. People have hard experiences, some I would say are way harder than what I am going through. And here I am and my divorce is killing me and I haven't yet found a day of ease or joy. Meanwhile I am still smober, on day 76, but unlike my expectations that it would get easier, the hard emotional experiences are finding me seriously desiring to smoke. So that's what's up. I'm fighting it and not rolling up or lighting up. And there are moments where I am grateful to feel my breath, or "intellectually" grateful that I have made it this far. There's appreciation for that. I think there's also a part of me that fears all of this - the losses, the quit, the feelings, the lack of sleep, the money challenges, etc - will never end.
And now I feel like I am complaining. I mean, really, compared to most of the planet I have a good life, I just lost my love and I am detoxing and have some life challenges. I try to tell myself that - no big deal; it will get better. But most days it doesn't. I don't want to complain my way through this, and maybe I can try to shift my perception some, but the truth is it's been hard for days and weeks.
So that's what's up. I've made a lot of progress in the simple fact of not smoking for 76 days. I'm happy about and proud of that. And maybe I am smack in the middle of no-man's land and that is compounded by grief. I don't know. A new normal, as I read somewhere here, would be so welcome. I guess I was hoping for more relief by now and the groundhog day thing is tiring.
That's what's going on. I intend to hang in there the rest of the day and wake up tomorrow and do my work to set myself straight about not smoking. Hopefully one day I'll be able to post how great I feel and how I made it through all this and offer some inspiration. For now, I am still struggling.
Thank you for letting me share where I'm at.