Just checking in to say that I am on day 50 and still wandering around in no man's land, but doing okay overall. Today, I start signing the first of a series of papers to get divorced, settle assets and all that. I'm feeling a lot, but after 50 days smober, not imagining that smoking will make any of this better. Rather, I wish I had more meddle, more poise and balance in my system, that I wasn't in the position of co-balancing the intense experience and emotions of closing a love dream and managing recovery from tobacco addiction.
But alas, this is life, and these are life's terms. I can say I am very grateful to not be smoking, for I would have certainly had a half-dozen by now and probably be more stressed b/c of the ups and downs of moment-to-moment nicotine withdrawals, and be coughing all over the place. At least, in this moment of symbolic death, I also have something that is both symbolic of and truly a reaching for life.
I also started titrating my NRT dose, going from 4mg to 2mg over the past day and a half. I can feel that shift and have been more emotional and confused for sure. That's also part of the ride, I guess. Whereas up until recently I was reticent to plan for any future smobriety because of all my past failed attempts (too many to count, seriously), now I feel like I can look ahead a little. In that way, I am aiming for a time about a month from now where I start to wean myself off NRT as well. I have no shame for using NRT - I would not have made it without, and my motto has been: just don't put anything in your lungs for a while! But as time goes on I can start dreaming about total freedom.
So that's my check-in. I am really in a place of heartbreak today, but also in a place of gratitude and some acceptance. Life can be a wicked mistress at times, but catch her on a good day and it's really sweet. Just shows me how little I truly know and understand and how little I truly have control over. One thing I can control today is not smoking, no matter what. So that's my goal.
Appreciating all of you; feeling the affinity of common experience and care in this fascinating, terrifying and often destabilizing journey of healing from addiction and seeking freedom.
Thank you and hope you are all having a good day today!