cfbays

No Excuse, I Just Wasn't Ready

Blog Post created by cfbays on Dec 30, 2019

Hello Ex Community. I've been away for a little over a month because I decided to quit rather than tuff it out. About a week and a half before Thanksgiving my wife and I got into a real big blow out. This was right after me having surgery to remove a tumor. She decided she wanted to end our marriage of 20 years and was moving out. Needless to say, I was pissed and hurt at the thought that she would want to end our marriage over an argument especially while I was recovering from surgery. I immediately went into victim mode and one of the things I decided was that this was not the time for me to quit smoking cigarettes. I was 31 days in, still a baby, and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I needed a fresh Newport because it would make my problems more manageable (I'm being sarcastic). I was stressed and too cowardly to take on finding the strength to stick with N.O.P.E. over going to the gas station and buying a pack. I needed relief. The sad part is I'm still taking Bupropion and smoking cigarettes is like inhaling smoke from a burning candle.

 

After around six days of yelling, tears, and finally talking to each other like a husband and wife should, my wife and I realize how silly and selfish we were both being. We patched things up and became even closer and more in love than we have ever been. In spite of our reconciliation, I continued to go to the gas station, purchase the Newports, and puff away. After lighting each individual cigarette I always asked myself what the f*** was I doing. I can't even get any type of feeling from these things; what is the point. I can't even use the excuse that I'm stressed out because I'm about to lose the love of my life and my best friend. I'm just being stupid. There was no excuse, I just wasn't ready.  

 

Over the past week, I have thought long and hard about my situation. I know I'm tired of smoking and I know the only way I'm going to be a non-smoker is to stop smoking. I'm ready to do this thing again and I'm not stupid enough to think it's going to be easy. I know I have to make a decision every day not to smoke. I don't know what life situations are hanging around the corner waiting for me, but I do know I have the EX Community; something I should have used this last time instead of running to the gas station.

 

I don't have any excuse for picking up again however, I also don't have any excuse not to try to quit again. Hopefully, this will be the last time I will have to get back on the horse. Keep me in your prayers!

 

cfbays - 1 hour of freedom

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