I just took a double dose of every med I have. I have to get stable. BUT so far I have not smoked. I asked Amy to hide them and for no reason, or how much I beg, she is not to let me have one. I don't know how else to protect myself.
I should not have been driving today. I should not have even left the apartment. But I wanted to do something special for Amy for Valentines. It was just too much for my system, and now I am paying the price. I am not sure I will be able to stay out of the hospital tonight. I just keep praying, but the pain just keeps getting worse.
The agency nurse is coming to check on me. She will determine what we do next medically.
In the past I would have just smoked a lot and that would have helped with the pain. But I am trying not to smoke.
Now my confession. I was badly abused by my mother. In fact she made me start smoking when I was 13. She had me sexually abused, and she sexually abused me. She wanted a girl, and did everything in her power to make me one. I am to embarassed to say anything else. Here is just part of my medical description.
Tonsillitis in the 60’s , Broke the right arm two years in a row – 60’s
Multiple burn wounds with a cigarette - 50’s & 60’s (part of the child abuse) Knee surgery on both knees in the 70’s (torn menisci)
Gall bladder surgery in the 80’s 5 back surgeries, the last 3 years ago (5 herniated disc) A blood transfusion when I was a baby (I was a blue baby), and during hip surgery. Left hip dislocation (to many to count over 100) In 2009 Left hip, total hip replacement (April of 2009) and something else to the hip.
COPD, High Blood Pressure, bipolar, acute panic and anxiety disorder, PTSD (from childhood abuse), DID (dissociate identity disorder), fibromyalgia, acute claustrophobia, gastritis, separation anxiety, sleep apnea.
I tried suicide at 13 to stop the pain. I have tried many other times. Today, with trying to quit smoking and all of the pain, I am on the edge again. Yes I see several doctors and take a lot of meds.
I will be fine mentally, that is what the nurse is coming to check. I do not if I can take the pain and I do not know if I can not smoke, at least one. But I am trying. And yes I am praying.
If any of you pray, please pray for me not to smoke, reduce the cravings, and get stable again. I really need some friends right now.
Thank you all for your help and support so far.
Oh Bear is an alter. He is the protector. He comes out when I am threatened or in danger. So you may see him a lot, or you may see Mark.