Why is this so hard

[bonnie.s]

I had made it 6 months smoke free before I threw it all away   I've been smoking daily again since last July.  My husband, also a smoker was diagnosed at that time with head and neck cancer.  You think I'd never want to see another smoke after that, right?  Wrong!  The first thing I did was lit up.  He had surgery, very painful one.  Went from over 200 lbs down to 150.  He couldn't eat from all the pain of having half his throat cut out.  I watched him suffer and still I smoked   So did he, he couldn't eat solid foods but he could still smoke.  Long story short, he healed up and we went about life continuing to smoke everyday.  He was having really good check ups and life was grand.  Last month during a visit the dr felt a lump in his neck and did a needle biopsy, CANCER!!!!!!  Its back.  Since that he has had a port placed along with his teeth being pulled so he can begin radiation and chemo.  We are struggling but we are not smoking.  We cant.  We have to beat this demon once and for all.