I was talking with a fellow quitter this morning about that infamous problem, the "if-ands-or-butts” problem (pardon the pun) of indecision and commitment to a substance free life. To say nothing of the cross addictions some of us smokers pick up along the way. In fact, I think this problem shows clearly how problematic and warped an addict's thought processes are when it comes to their substance or other anesthetizing behavior of choice like gambling or pornography.
Someone said, maybe Budddha: ”We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts, and with our thoughts, we make the world”
The thing is, those thousands of thoughts I have each day don’t do me much good. I don’t know about you, but when I indulge in feeling badly about myself for whatever reason, maybe a relapse, negative self-talk becomes the norm. From there, it doesn’t take long for my basic goodness to get lost in the brambles of my thinking, generally as they say in AA, a very bad neighborhood.
If I’m stuck in the realm of “stinking’ thinkin’” sooner or later the brittle addict-self is gonna rear up and demand relief. I think of it as a ‘self-attack’. Self-attacks are any thinking process that fosters self-pity, self-blame, self-hate... judging self, judging others. Anything that sucks you into your head where every voice chides, “YES, you can have JUST ONE”. One smoke, one drink, one hit - you know, “to take the edge off”. Being afraid, anxious, overly tired, stressed etc can cause a self attack. I don’t think I have ever relapsed where I wasn’t isolated and in the throes of me, me, me.
But what I didn’t get about these attacks was that there was more than one way to respond to them. In the past I always just smoked. But this time, I grew curious about what else craving could mean besides a Nicotine Booty call? Finally, after 40 years a slave, I could think about what I really needed because I KNOW it isn’t tobacco. If anything, instead of me, me, me; these days it’s us, us, us.
But really? Somedays, “us” isn’t social at all, somedays it means solidifying and reaffirming my connection with my heart, it means inhabiting and “rarifying” my body, and working creatively with my mind to “converse” with my demons and to make sense of my experiences.
For me, it’s always comes back to self-care, whatever that might mean in the moment. Something I learned in AA many years ago, but self-care still manages to escape me daily, usually because I think I haven’t the time, or I don’t think I deserve it. Where I tend to get lazy about self-care is also where I drift into complacency and the “J” word: Judging. To be honest, I experience mild to moderate craving daily. It might go away for others, but craving is a raw and very simple reminder to stay awake that was always there, a bit like how fall colors are always there, just hidden by spring's green chlorophyll.
I hope my ramble helps to put a different look to addiction and provide some hope. Take heart! If a hard-core like me can do this just for today -believe me - anyone can. It’s all in how you think about it. You are FAR more powerful than you know!!!
