I already knew, going to the smoke shop, that it was a good day for a relapse (2 days clean! Yay!).
I’ve been bored, my life is hard, I couldn’t see my friends, my life sucks, I’m broke, etc. My mind was going full apologia, debate taught me junkie rationalizations.
I made it 1/3 through a Black & Mild before I tapped out. I called everyone on the way, saw stores I could stop at to distract me from my journey and still I persevered in killing myself. I ran like 5 red lights on the way there, hoping a bicycle crash would stop me from getting to the smoke shop. But it didn’t, god was on my side, and if there’s something up there it was telling me it was my choice.
I made it 1/3 of the way through before I stomped it out and cursed myself. I even reset my quit date on the way to the store.
It’s a journey I can keep going on. I knew failing would make me taste ash, but I can still make it clean. And I will.