I have a very deep seeded relationship with cigarettes. I was doomed from the start. My father had mental illness and he was more like a big brother than a dad to my brother and I. I remember when my dad offered me a cigarette. I thought he was kidding me... But he wasn't. He gave me and my brother a cigarette and lit them for us! He was12 and I was 10. I think we both choked up big time. He taught us how to make smoke rings and how to French inhale! Seriously. Oh it gets worse. This is very personal but I feel safe here. I think not taking about it might be what keeps getting in the way of my quit.
So, Daddy was our babysitter while my mom worked. After smoking everyday for a few weeks or so Daddy crossed the line. So now Daddy and I have this secret. I'm not supposed to tell. He said if I told he would tell my mom I smoked!
Then the day came when I was strong enough to tell my mom. She immediately believed me. My dad went to the hospital for a year. I was already hooked on cigarettes by that time and my mom didn't make me quit. I guess...... Heck I don't know what she was thinking but it was like because this bad thing happened to me and cigarettes were used to threaten me with she couldn't bring herself to make me quit. I know this sounds nuts. But our family was nuts! Totally dysfunctional. Anyway there is the ugly truth behind my addiction.