Ugh...I feel disgusted... This past week I've been waking up feeling like I had smoked a pack of cigarettes the previous night. I haven't, of course, so I felt like I was going crazy. It kept making me think about smoking again. So on Saturday I came on here and read blog posts to reinforce my quit and I thought I was feeling stronger. Then yesterday I went back to work after 4 weeks recovery from surgery. It was ok, but then I also was preparing for having to go to jury selection, so I was anxious about that. I started envisioning going to buy a pack of cigarettes for the drive and any downtimes, which is why I had smoked previously. So last night I came back on here and read about relapsing and no man's land and had a good cry. I started to feel stronger again. This morning I felt that I could handle it and not smoke. I made it through the whole day, but it was in the back of my mind the whole time. After jury selection was done (I was not selected, whew!) I went to see my therapist. The whole session was about my struggles with my addictive thoughts. There was a lot of crying. I just felt so weak and tired of battling with myself. I thought I was feeling better by the end of the session, but after I left, I went and bought a pack. I smoked the first one. Yuck! I started crying again. What am I doing? This is disgusting! I stopped this because I don't like it anymore! I smoked the whole thing, taking my time, and really not enjoying it. I was on my way to do some shopping. I smoked a second one before I reached the store, as if I was just checking to see if I really didn't like it. After I was done shopping, I got in the car, and smoked one more on the way home. That's when I decided I had enough. This is gross, and I felt sick to my stomach. I gave the pack to my neighbors who smoke. As I walked through the door I saw my mom and broke down. I told her what happened. She gave me a big hug and said it's ok, just get back to the quit, which is exactly what I am doing. I went straight to the shower and brushed my teeth. I still feel sick to my stomach. While I'm disappointed that I slipped, I'm sort of glad that I did because my reaction was disgust. I don't want to feel this way again. I hate the taste and the smell. I like being a non-smoker. I may have slipped, but I am reclaiming my quit!!!
