I m coming back after a long time now, the last few days have been tough and confusing. And among other things, I didn't feel like writing here. And so I was away. I felt the disconnect, and I felt the fear that I might give in, and so I am back, trying again to find my space still, find my peace again. Whatever I say today, may not be coherent, just a rambling, but I hope I can talk again.
The last I came here, or the time when I was in control, very confident of my quit, was 13 days back. I was on my 18th day, and I was excited to reach 21 days. And I did. And now it's 31 days. In fact, as I write this, I can sense the achievement again. I am reminded again that I completed 31 days, one full month, without smoking a single cigarette.
Last few days, I have felt intense cravings. These cravings are different from when I was a smoker or in my initial days of quit. These recent cravings are just cravings, not precisely for a cigarette, but only the need for something. I feel something is missing, I need something very strongly, but it's not necessarily a cigarette. It's just the void created by quitting and I crave to fill that void somehow. And that has been very frustrating.
And so I have been trying to seek always. Without being satisfied completely. I realize in the back of my mind that the cigarette would fill this craving, but I am trying to avoid that thought and go through it. I have been very restless due to this. Just not able to concentrate. Not ready to feel peaceful. I hope that I find it again.
I also felt that I was becoming overconfident and casual with my quit with time. I thought that the big urges are over and that I might be able to manage. But in the last few days, I have had thoughts that just one more cigarette won't do much harm. I felt that only one more smoke would be so good. Maybe, I became more open to slipping just this one time. And it made me realize the importance of protecting my quit.
Things have been opening up gradually post lock-down. And so, there is more activity on the streets. There are more people now on the streets. I also realize that I would get into social situations sooner or later. So, while I managed 31 days in isolation, I guess with the lock-down slowly lifting up, so is my exposure to the outside world. It's scary, I worry how I would protect myself from that next cigarette when I meet a smoker friend, or when I am in a group having drinks, or when I come back home after a long day, or when I am driving, or when I see someone smoking on the street. I don't know yet.
It feels like a new battle again. I got a head start of one month to prepare for the real world. And I am glad I realized the importance of this place at the right time. I hope to stay healthy and not smoke again. I know it's best to take it one day at a time. I am giving this next milestone to myself. The following 31 days. Its the transition phase of the lock-down and I think I can use this time, to learn slowly and protect my quit!