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Share your quitting journey

Okay, Now What?

TurboRose
Member
4 10 102

“Okay, Now What?” is the question that’s been dancing in my head. It started once I hit 1 year as an ex-smoker. It’s been like, okay, you made it to 1 year without smoking, now what? Of course the answer is to continue to be an ex-smoker, duh. I think there’s a deeper meaning to the question. I don’t think it's solely about not smoking.  I feel like a bird being kicked out the nest. I feel like I’m in a void.

In the beginning, there’s the beginning. In my desire to stop smoking, I found this community. It felt good to be connected with people who know what it’s like being a smoker and being a smoker trying to quit. I was glad to get support and understanding versus judgment and condemnation. I felt safe sharing my thoughts and feeling.  I didn’t feel alone.  I didn’t come here every day. I found a rhythm that worked for me. I made it through those first days, weeks and months. I entered NOML then the In-betweens. I made some daily pledges and road the Freedom Train.  I struggled through the last 8 weeks leading to up to a year smoke free. Voila, I made 1 year as an ex-smoker.

Now, what?

I’m grateful and kind of surprised I’ve made it this long being smoke free.  I feel like something’s missing and I think I know what it is.  I felt comforted knowing I was "expected" to show-up during NOML and whenever I did show up, I was acknowledged. I felt seen, celebrated and supported by the Freedom Train. “You never know what you got till it’s gone.” I didn’t realize the emotional voids this community has filled until now. I’ve gotten more than smoking cessation support. I’ve gotten some emotional needs met.   It’s been nice feeling seen, understood, expected and welcomed.

Will I float off into the sunset? Will I return now and then to wave a flag when I reach a milestone or just because I’ve made it another day? Will I come back to check on others maybe offer advice to a newbie? Will I take a daily pledge when I’m feeling triggered or when I’m feeling strong and proud? Will I come back to feel seen, understood, welcomed and missed when I show up?  

Now what?

TurboRose 382 DOF

10 Comments
About the Author
My relationship with Nic O. Tine began when I was a kid. Occasionally, my dad would have me light his cigarette (Philip Morris.) By age10, I was sneaking butts and once I took a whole cigarette. It was also when my dad’s mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Dad didn’t feel he had the right to caution my brothers and I against smoking. It was my mom who told us not to smoke. She became very critical of smokers and smoking. Shortly, after my grandmother’s death, I witnessed a moment that stuck with me: My mom and dad were standing in the bathroom. Dad was throwing his cigarettes in the toilet vowing to quit. My dad smoked until he died. In high school, a couple of my friends smoked and I would bum smokes from them. I didn’t want to consider myself a “smoker” because of my mom’s harsh opinions. I figured as long as I didn’t purchase a pack, I wasn’t a smoker. I didn’t purchase my first pack of smokes until I was a junior in college. Smoking wound up being a weapon I used to feel bad about myself. I knew it was bad for my health. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt, ashamed and like a bad little girl for disobeying my mom. It was overwhelming. Over the years, I found myself reenacting the scene I witnessed as a young girl. On a Sunday evening (always Sunday,) I’d stand in front of the toilet throwing away my smokes vowing to quit. Though I acknowledged my smoking, I never smoked in front of my parents nor any of my mom’s family. I smoked around other smokers or around people I didn’t know and didn’t care whether or not they judged me. Professionally, I’m an IT person. I did applications development, systems design, technical support and customer service. I’ve worked in the fast food, manufacturing, software and travel industries. I have also worked as a substitute teacher, hotel front desk clerk and travel agent. Currently, I work part-time as a bookkeeper for a local farmer (commodities and equestrian.) Personally, I am single, no children. I’m the youngest of 3. During my early childhood, I lived in a combined family situation. At one point, I was the youngest of 13. I am a sexual abuse survivor. I’m a 3rd generation Intuitive/Medium and I'm an empath. I enjoy photography, traveling and being creative. I have 2 cottage industry projects I’m building; Home Decor/Apparel and Intuitive/Medium (not Psychic) readings. I have the sweetest rescued Yorkshire Terrier, Tabasco.