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Share your quitting journey

T minus 28 and Counting…

TurboRose
Member
4 8 113
‎06-03-2018 04:26 AM

I’ve been pinching myself. It’s hard to believe that in 28 days, I will have 365 consecutive days without smoking a cigarette.

Cigarettes had been a part of my life for more than 30 years. I couldn’t imagine not smoking for the rest of my life.  I was frightened by stories of people who’d kicked an addiction only to turn back. I was devastated when my favorite actor, who had 24 years of sobriety, died with a needle in his arm. Would I be able to resist temptation? I’ve read posts from long term ex-smokers who took a puff tossing aside years of freedom only to have to start over. Another day one instead of another day won. Is this my fate, my future? Will I succumb to some pitfall? Are my chances better or worse? Should I give in and have the “inevitable” relapse sooner rather than later?

I’ve learned to think about other things and to take one day at a time. I put some of the spiritual and metaphysical lessons I’ve learned to use by focusing on now: The only time I have is this moment. No other moment exist.  By remaining focused on the moment there’s no tomorrow or future to fret about.

I thought the closer I got to my first anniversary the easier it would be to maintain my quit but that isn't true. In April, the trigger was pulled. I've had a train of thoughts reminding me a year ago I was smoking. A year ago I started taking an anti-depressant to help with smoking cessation.  A year ago I found the Mayo Clinic quit plan. A year ago I joined this community. “A year ago” became the refrain playing in my head.  I began to feel the anxiety I felt, a year ago, at the thought of quitting. I even felt the fear I felt, a year ago, when I wondered if I was going to be able to quit smoking for any length or time let alone the rest of my life. My thoughts have been playing games with me: "Soon you won’t be able to say a year ago I was smoking. You’ll have to say over a year ago. The closer you get to that one year anniversary the further you’ll be from the last time you had a cigarette. Are you sure you want to go further?"

Watching my thoughts has been interesting.  I don’t have any physical cravings. The challenge to my quit is “in my head” because it's my thoughts that are goading me.

I don't come around every day. It might be days or even weeks between visits. I stay away because too much reading about not smoking and/or smoking poses its own challenge.  I don't want to give my addictive mind any reason to try and convince me that in some way it would be “okay” if I gave in to temptation. I stay away for self–preservation. I come back for self-preservation. I come back to connect, to be supported and to offer support. I want to pay it forward.

T-Minus 28 and counting…

337 DOF

8 Comments
About the Author
My relationship with Nic O. Tine began when I was a kid. Occasionally, my dad would have me light his cigarette (Philip Morris.) By age10, I was sneaking butts and once I took a whole cigarette. It was also when my dad’s mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Dad didn’t feel he had the right to caution my brothers and I against smoking. It was my mom who told us not to smoke. She became very critical of smokers and smoking. Shortly, after my grandmother’s death, I witnessed a moment that stuck with me: My mom and dad were standing in the bathroom. Dad was throwing his cigarettes in the toilet vowing to quit. My dad smoked until he died. In high school, a couple of my friends smoked and I would bum smokes from them. I didn’t want to consider myself a “smoker” because of my mom’s harsh opinions. I figured as long as I didn’t purchase a pack, I wasn’t a smoker. I didn’t purchase my first pack of smokes until I was a junior in college. Smoking wound up being a weapon I used to feel bad about myself. I knew it was bad for my health. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt, ashamed and like a bad little girl for disobeying my mom. It was overwhelming. Over the years, I found myself reenacting the scene I witnessed as a young girl. On a Sunday evening (always Sunday,) I’d stand in front of the toilet throwing away my smokes vowing to quit. Though I acknowledged my smoking, I never smoked in front of my parents nor any of my mom’s family. I smoked around other smokers or around people I didn’t know and didn’t care whether or not they judged me. Professionally, I’m an IT person. I did applications development, systems design, technical support and customer service. I’ve worked in the fast food, manufacturing, software and travel industries. I have also worked as a substitute teacher, hotel front desk clerk and travel agent. Currently, I work part-time as a bookkeeper for a local farmer (commodities and equestrian.) Personally, I am single, no children. I’m the youngest of 3. During my early childhood, I lived in a combined family situation. At one point, I was the youngest of 13. I am a sexual abuse survivor. I’m a 3rd generation Intuitive/Medium and I'm an empath. I enjoy photography, traveling and being creative. I have 2 cottage industry projects I’m building; Home Decor/Apparel and Intuitive/Medium (not Psychic) readings. I have the sweetest rescued Yorkshire Terrier, Tabasco.