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Share your quitting journey

Another New Year

TurboRose
Member
2 2 27

As New Year’s Eve approached, I was fixated on finding something to do to celebrate. I wanted to welcome 2018 doing something I’d never done before or hadn’t done in a long time.

The family was still reeling from my aunt’s pre-Christmas announcement she once again was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were holding our breath waiting. We were waiting for her appointment with the surgeon on January 9th.  I was concerned of course for my aunt but I was also concerned for my mom. This is her identical twin.  I knew whatever happens with my aunt it is going to impact my mom.

I wanted to do something that would take me away from the reality of my life. I wanted something that would put me in the frame of mind that 2018 was going to be the beginning of me living my life differently.  It was 2 days before the New Year when I woke up. It was as if I was slapped across the face with a below zero gust of wind. I didn’t need to look for something to make the arrival of the New Year different. I already had that difference and the difference was me.  2018 was going to be different because it was going to be the first New Year in over 30 years that I welcomed without cigarettes. By the time the clock struck midnight, I would be 6 months free of smoking. It was right there all the time and I wasn’t seeing it.  How often had I gone looking for something outside of myself only to realize what I was looking for was there in me all the time?

I got a couple classic movies from the library, A Letter to Three Wives and The Man Who Came to Dinner.  I bought something to toast the New Year.  I took a long hot soak in the whirlpool, put on some warm fuzzy pajamas, fixed myself a cocktail, curled up on the couch with my beloved Tabasco and watched the movies. When the clock struck midnight, I toasted the New Year and myself. There weren’t any resolutions to eat better, or exercise or quit smoking. I was already eating better, exercising, and cigarettes were no longer a part of my life.  I smiled when I realized I almost robbed myself of basking in my own accomplishments. Happy New Year everyone!

207 D.O.F.

Tabasco 1218.jpg

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About the Author
My relationship with Nic O. Tine began when I was a kid. Occasionally, my dad would have me light his cigarette (Philip Morris.) By age10, I was sneaking butts and once I took a whole cigarette. It was also when my dad’s mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Dad didn’t feel he had the right to caution my brothers and I against smoking. It was my mom who told us not to smoke. She became very critical of smokers and smoking. Shortly, after my grandmother’s death, I witnessed a moment that stuck with me: My mom and dad were standing in the bathroom. Dad was throwing his cigarettes in the toilet vowing to quit. My dad smoked until he died. In high school, a couple of my friends smoked and I would bum smokes from them. I didn’t want to consider myself a “smoker” because of my mom’s harsh opinions. I figured as long as I didn’t purchase a pack, I wasn’t a smoker. I didn’t purchase my first pack of smokes until I was a junior in college. Smoking wound up being a weapon I used to feel bad about myself. I knew it was bad for my health. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt, ashamed and like a bad little girl for disobeying my mom. It was overwhelming. Over the years, I found myself reenacting the scene I witnessed as a young girl. On a Sunday evening (always Sunday,) I’d stand in front of the toilet throwing away my smokes vowing to quit. Though I acknowledged my smoking, I never smoked in front of my parents nor any of my mom’s family. I smoked around other smokers or around people I didn’t know and didn’t care whether or not they judged me. Professionally, I’m an IT person. I did applications development, systems design, technical support and customer service. I’ve worked in the fast food, manufacturing, software and travel industries. I have also worked as a substitute teacher, hotel front desk clerk and travel agent. Currently, I work part-time as a bookkeeper for a local farmer (commodities and equestrian.) Personally, I am single, no children. I’m the youngest of 3. During my early childhood, I lived in a combined family situation. At one point, I was the youngest of 13. I am a sexual abuse survivor. I’m a 3rd generation Intuitive/Medium and I'm an empath. I enjoy photography, traveling and being creative. I have 2 cottage industry projects I’m building; Home Decor/Apparel and Intuitive/Medium (not Psychic) readings. I have the sweetest rescued Yorkshire Terrier, Tabasco.