cancel
Showing results for 
Show  only  | Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Share your quitting journey

Feeling Vulnerable

TurboRose
Member
0 16 185

I just got off the phone with my mom.  It was an emotional conversation.  We both cried. We just don't seem to able to get on the same page.  Somehow, we wind up hurting each others feelings.  She feels I don't appreciate what she does/has done for me and I feel she doesn't understand my feelings.  I know I'm dealing with childhood wounds and I'm doing my best to respond to situations versus react.  My mom's point-of-view is basically get over it, you're an adult.  My point-of-view is a wounded inner child can override an adult's common sense.  I want to allow my wounded child the opportunity to be heard if she needs to speak. My mom's family was very adept at using invalidation as a means of control.  Too often, I feel invalidated and I have to really work at not trying to invalidate her.

I feel emotionally drained and now I have to go to work which is a smoking environment.

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE

6 DOF

16 Comments
About the Author
My relationship with Nic O. Tine began when I was a kid. Occasionally, my dad would have me light his cigarette (Philip Morris.) By age10, I was sneaking butts and once I took a whole cigarette. It was also when my dad’s mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Dad didn’t feel he had the right to caution my brothers and I against smoking. It was my mom who told us not to smoke. She became very critical of smokers and smoking. Shortly, after my grandmother’s death, I witnessed a moment that stuck with me: My mom and dad were standing in the bathroom. Dad was throwing his cigarettes in the toilet vowing to quit. My dad smoked until he died. In high school, a couple of my friends smoked and I would bum smokes from them. I didn’t want to consider myself a “smoker” because of my mom’s harsh opinions. I figured as long as I didn’t purchase a pack, I wasn’t a smoker. I didn’t purchase my first pack of smokes until I was a junior in college. Smoking wound up being a weapon I used to feel bad about myself. I knew it was bad for my health. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt, ashamed and like a bad little girl for disobeying my mom. It was overwhelming. Over the years, I found myself reenacting the scene I witnessed as a young girl. On a Sunday evening (always Sunday,) I’d stand in front of the toilet throwing away my smokes vowing to quit. Though I acknowledged my smoking, I never smoked in front of my parents nor any of my mom’s family. I smoked around other smokers or around people I didn’t know and didn’t care whether or not they judged me. Professionally, I’m an IT person. I did applications development, systems design, technical support and customer service. I’ve worked in the fast food, manufacturing, software and travel industries. I have also worked as a substitute teacher, hotel front desk clerk and travel agent. Currently, I work part-time as a bookkeeper for a local farmer (commodities and equestrian.) Personally, I am single, no children. I’m the youngest of 3. During my early childhood, I lived in a combined family situation. At one point, I was the youngest of 13. I am a sexual abuse survivor. I’m a 3rd generation Intuitive/Medium and I'm an empath. I enjoy photography, traveling and being creative. I have 2 cottage industry projects I’m building; Home Decor/Apparel and Intuitive/Medium (not Psychic) readings. I have the sweetest rescued Yorkshire Terrier, Tabasco.