I have felt like blogging but not sure how to sort through everything to make it come out even remotely eloquent, intelligent, or insightful so I’m just going to give up on that. Trying to sort through what’s NML and what’s not. I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder when I was around 24, took a variety of antidepressants until I was about 34 (3 years ago). They helped to stuff down all of my anxieties, and when I stopped taking them, smoking took over the job of stuffing down feelings, though I didn’t realize that. Now
that I’ve had two months without smoking, I can’t hide from what could be just me. The depression and anxiety can be so overwhelming that I don’t remember who I am. Everyone else seems to be finding what they enjoy doing, their hobbies, but me? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I identify only as “mommy” and “not smoking” and exist as those only.
How is it that smoking was my only hobby?? It’s like I have to start life all over again. I’m reverting back to my old ways of overreacting, crying, and hiding away. So I decided that I would not wait to see if it will pass and called a psychologist. I want to FACE this head on, stop being afraid of my emotions and being anxious about everything and nothing. I have to wait over two weeks to get in and of course that makes me anxious. I hate waiting.
This would be the weekend my husband leaves town, when I’m feeling rough and I’ve got two kids to take care of alone. So of course I picked a fight with him due to my insecurities and jealousy. Then a massive fire was raging down the street today, filled up my house with smoke smell, and I panicked but reacted in protection. This happened last year and I remember the first thing that I did to calm down was smoke. Looking back on today I now realize I didn’t even think about smoking. So that’s something!