I keep coming back to this one reality. Before I quit, I was seeing two faces in my mirror. All day long, I was this happy, engaging, helpful, supportive role model that no one would guess was doing something awful to herself. Then I'd get home and immediately feel the need to go outside and smoke! It felt like a completely different person would take over. That person was mushy and mopey and was telling herself she needed the cigarettes to keep being that other person when she went back into the world. But that is incorrect. I'm not too different people and the Awesome Me is not an act. That's who I am without cigarettes. That's who I am, period.
After reading the Carr book, I completely identified with the idea of the nicotine monster. I named mine specifically because I wanted to call him out. I needed to stop seeing two faces. I only have one. The other face I thought I was seeing was really that monster. I gave him a name because, very like Voldemort, although some thought saying the name would give him more power, I knew the opposite would be true for me.
There aren't two MEs. There's only one and she is helpful, smart, fit, and capable of facing challenges without nicotine and deserving of role model status. (Most of the time!) As a matter of fact, she's stronger because she realizes all the self-doubt and insecurity wasn't really there. The monster put it there and made it grow.
When I named my monster Zuul, I chose it because I imagined him huge and scary-- and he ultimately had possessed me like in the movie Ghostbusters. "There IS no Kelly...only Zuul!" I was really afraid to face him and tell him no.
Well, it's Day 4 and I'm surprised I don't feel even close to possessed. There are a few moments now and then that I am aware of his existence, but for the most part, he's pretty quiet-- like he's asleep. And when he does let out a little yelp, if I do one of the things on my list, it's like he goes back to sleep. This is such a happy surprise.
But what I'm most happy about is being able to OWN the face that I liked in the mirror. It was like the day I quit, I picked one and I'm proud of the one I chose.
