I really am liking the idea of nicotine addiction being like Little Monsters in all of us. Tonight I'm going to ponder giving my monster a name. It has to be something meaningful and it has to be really ugly so I really don't want to feed it anymore. I'm starting to see how I get nothing out of this and how insidious my addiction truly is.
Yesterday, my husband mentioned last minute that his family invited us for lunch in Point Pleasant. My monster immediately responded, "But if you do that, you won't have time for me!" I knew I was getting up early to run a 5K with my friend's daughter. I couldn't say no to that! I promised! And I LOVE being a mentor, a coach, a role model!! But going to lunch meant I'd pretty much only have time to shower, get the kids ready and go and we wouldn't be home to my safe smoking spot until late afternoon. I didn't answer at first and thought about what I've been learning.
I decided we should go. And it should be a family thing, so the kids, like it or not, we're going too! I didn't feed the monster after the run. In fact, I had more time than I thought, so I took the dog for another 3-miler when I got home. We went to the beach, had lunch, played some games, had ice cream-- and ya know what??? I didn't think about that monster once! We had a lovely afternoon as a family.
I can't believe I almost said no. I think I push away a lot of invitations because of this monster. We don't often make plans because we're running low on funds. If I wasn't spending $$ on cigarettes, I'd have more $$ to spend doing fun things with my kids like today. If you asked me to choose which was actually more fun and relaxing, there's no question. But I didn't realize these were the choices I was actively making. I didn't realize I was putting the monster first.